You Can't Have a Shadow Without Light
by LovableDuck
Summary: Akaya is only a shadow in the light of his depression. But, can he really fade away so eaily? Uke Pair
1. A View From the Window

Author's Notes: Ok, this is my first fanfiction. Ever. LMFAO, this feel so WEIRD. Okay, moving on…this is a fanfic that deals with alcholism, cutting, but don't worry: I'm not going to go into extreme depth. In fact, there is barely any mention if it…it's just there...well, there is…but it's not the focus of this fic. There will be poems in it. ) I've never actually done this before (gasp!) so reviews and suggestions would be nice. This is going to be rated T…because I am and I wrote it. If you think I need to change the rating, just tell me, because this one time I watched an R rated movie and I thought it was PG…ok, moving on…

Disclaimer: I do not own POT. I do, however, own story lines, poems, and OCs.. I think…

Chapter One: View From the Window

I never know what I want

I never know what I need

Slowly, im being cut up

And im starting to really bleed

I don't know what I want

Or if I want my friends near

My life is spinning round and round

I'm questioning what's dear

I don't know if I want to hope

Or if "love" is real

You can call me crazy

But I'm forgetting how to feel

Sadness can't be eternal

And we know that love can end

But pain just isn't flexible

It cannot twist or bend

I'm scarred, cut up, and bleeding

With deep spaces in my heart

But I'm not the only one

And the healing has to start

Kirihara Akaya looked down at his poem. It described how he felt perfectly. To the point where it was scary. He sighed and then crumpled it up. It didn't really matter how he felt; hadn't he decided that long ago? It was better this way, he remindede himself, and closed his eyes and let his breath out slowly. If you couldn't feel, you couldn't get hurt.

The next day, Akaya's poem was sitting forgotten in his garbage can in his room, suffocated by the rolls of used grip tape and used water bottles he had thrown carelessly on top of it.

Please Review! I need to know if it's any good. I think the poem's okay…not great, but there will be better ones…lol, it's 5 am and I've already had too much coffee. Well..wait what did you sat? For every review I get, I update a day early? And you canwrite whatever you want, even if it's all bad comments? Ok, we have a deal! Good, now go click that button right there and tell me what you think!

LoveableDuck 3


	2. Regrets

Author's Notes: Okay, so right after I wrote chapter one, I realized there wasn't too much plot devlopment. So I worte chapter 2! ) Don't you just love me? No? Too bad!

Dislaimer: I don't own ir have any POT. Knowing me, I'd get caught and then arrested…

Chapter 2: Regrets

If there was one thing Niou Massaharu didn't like, it was when he got caught pulling his pranks. For some reason he couldn't comprehend, teachers said that made them trust him less. Which didn't make sense to him, seeing as if they caught him in the middle of setting up the prank, wouldn't they be happier knowing that there wsn't one for him to pull?

He had come to school early in order to leave a little…surprise…for his Math teacher, when he saw her talking to some people. Probably parents; in any case, there was no point interupting a teacher's conference, especially since it was so early, and he did have tennis practice later. Still, it was always intersting listening on people's discussions, and since there were ten minutes till practice started, that was…twenty minutes to listen in on the conversation. Niou smirked, and putting his ear against the wall, prepared for potential blackmail information.

"…seems very angry lately," the math teacher, Mudayama-sensai was saying.

"Oh, well, he is a teenager. They are always mad at someone or something, and it doesn't really matter why," the woman, a skinny brunette, replied with a slight smile. The man sitting next to her was gazing at the teacher with slight curiousity; Niou wondered what was going on. It wasn't like math teachers to lecture parents on anger management, the last time he checked.

"It's just that..well...he's one of my best students-or _was_." Mudayama-sensei gazed sadly at the parents in front of her.

"I don't understand," said the man with a frown tugging the corners of his mouth. "He's alwsays done well in school, and there hasn't been any problems regarding grades…what's wrong?

"Oh no, it's not like he's doing anything wrong…his grades are as high as ever."

"Then what's the problem? I thought you said he wasn't one of your best students anymore?" Niou grinned as the teacher blushed, not knowing how to respond to the man's seemingly innocent question. Niou could still remember having Mudayama-sensei as his teacher last year; she had hated him ever since textbooks were mysteriously switched with how-to-teach textbooks from a nearby college. A prank which Niou had so **not** pulled.

"Well…I found this in his desk." The teacher held up an empty bottle of pills. Niou thought they were probably asprin, from the part of the label he could see,

"Asprin?" The woman looked at her blanky.

"T'm not trying to disrespect, Mudayama-san, but don't many students use those desks? It could belong to anyone, not just-"

"NIOU MASSAHARU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Niou jumped up and spun around to see the Fukubuchou, Sanada Genichiroh, glaring at him. With as much as an expression as he could muster.

"Good morning to you too, Fukubuchou," said Niou with a smirk that doubled as his smile.

"Why aren't you at practice?" Sanada growled.

"Cuz it hasn't started yet."

"It started five minutes ago."

"Did it now?"

"Yes, it did…now get over there, and run thirty extra laps, on top of the fifty that you have to run for skipping yesterdays."

"Fine, fine, I'm going," grumbled Niou, walking out towards the door.

During this, Mudayama-sensei had opened her door to see what was going on.

"Sorry about the interuption, sensei. I came inside to find Haru. I hope I didn't disturb you?"

"No it's okay," said the math teacher with a smile at one of her favorite former students. "Say hi to Yanagi-kun for me, and good luck on the math midterm coming up."

"I will, and thanks." Bowing one more time, Sanada turned and left the building where the conversation about a certain junior on the tennis team- the _only_ junior on the tennis team- was being held. It was going to be one of his biggest regrets.

I thought about it, and now I want a pairing…or two or more…tell me who you think should be with who, and I'll do something about it…but a warning though, I'm gonna pair them up _after _the plots all there. P

LoveableDuck


	3. Empty

Author's Notes (or in my case, insane ramblings): Ok, reading this everytime you click the next chapter button is probably going to get annoying, but it's the only way to see inside of my head (not that you really want to). Still, if you want responses for your reviews or things like that…just check here.

Ok, my mistake: In my second chapter, Sanada called Niou Haru. To this, Sandelina gets full credit, because being the dumbass I truly am, not only do I not mention that, but I also use it. Sorry. Chances are, I will proably use the nicknames, just because I've read all her stories and it's kinda hard not to think of those names…but, Sandelina, if you do not like the use of the names or anything else relating to your fics (I don't know what else could, but knowing me…yeah), just tell me to stop. Just tell me in a review, and I will stop. Also, if I do anything of this with anything from anyone else, just tell me, and if you're okay with that, umm…okay, and if you're not, I'll stop. Okay, moving on…

Updating: As already mentioned, I am currently grounded. This means I am now have a lot of time to do nothing with. So, I'll probably (but not for sure) update with at least one chapter a day…but, reviwing makes me update faster…just so you know )

Pairings: I have not yet decided on any pairings…but thanks to endlessly for her suggestions! I appreciate it and will consider any and all pairings…

Disclaimer: If I owned Prince of Tennis…ugh, not even the Witness Protection Program could save me from the hordes of avenging fangirls…

Okay, enough ranting for now! To the story (or what I call a story, anyway XD)

Chapter 3: Empty

Sanada stared at Niou's retreating back and wondered what could have possibly been so interesting to have caught his attention. But, if he asked Niou about it, he would never live it down, and anyway, Yanagi Renji, the data specialist on the team and one of Sanada's best friends, would tell him.

"What took so long?" Yanagi had a way of sneaking up on people; Sanada sometimes wondered if he or Inui had practiced together beack when they were old doubles parnters.

"He was listening to a conversation that Mudayama-sensei was having."

"What about?"

"I have no intention of encouraging him; he's a bad enough influence on Akaya as it is."

"Ah yes, Akaya…he hasn't shown up yet, either. There is a 89 chance he overslept, and an 11 chance he forgot that we had morning practice today." Yanagi paused a second to observe Sanada's reaction, but, as usual, there was none. "Hmmm, Yanagi wondered idly to himself, maybe if he…"

"Hello? Renji? You there?" Marui Bunta, the self proclaimed tensai of Rikkai, had happily bounced over, just in time to interupt Yanagi's deep ponderings. "Where's Akaya? I mean, he's always late cuz he's always oversleeping, but isn't he usually here by now?"

"Yes." With that heavily detailed response, the Data man turned and walked away.

Meanwhile….

When Akaya woke up, his head hurt. A lot. Sighing, he closed his eyes and rolled over.Why did the only thing that could make him feel relatively better on the inside hurt so much on the outside? Sighing again, he turned and looked over at the clock.

"Ughh…I'm late to practice." Akaya blinked. Had he just said that out loud? "Wow, I am totally losing my mind," thought Akaya sleepily, "not that I really had one to begin with…"

Glancing over to where his bookbag was, he could feel the dreariness of the day already. And he really, really did not want to get up. Not that he had for the past three weeks; but today he felt…sadder. No, sadder wasn't the word; he just didn't cover his feelings enough. No, he wasn't sad; it was deeper; heart deep, piercing him harder than any sword ever could. It was more like being…depressed. Except depressed to the point where he just didn't give a damn. And why should he? In the end, he was just going to die; in the end…did he really matter? He was just a speck of dust waiting to blown away by the wind…and the only thing more messed up at the moment than his thoughts had to be how he felt.

It had started slowly at first, this frustration and realization of just how worthless he was. He was just alone, even when surrounded by many; he felt broken and shattered. And the worst part was, he didn't know why. He didn't know why he suddenly couldn't look anyone into the eye, why he couldn't feel happy over beating an opponment in tennis, couldn't feel the rush he got from just being…alive. "Maybe that was the problem," Akaya thought dully, "maybe he just no longer felt alive."

He also didn't feel loved. He used to be able to _feel_, to really understand, what love was. Now he didn't, all he felt was empty. Empty, because without feelings, what exactly _was _he?

You know you want to push that review button. You know you want to tell me what you think…

LoveableDuck


	4. Understanding

Author's Notes: a new style of writing that I'm experimenting with…for my first fanfic, I think it's okay…oh, and before I forget, I've been thinking about pairings, and this is what I've decided to do: since all the pairings are really yummy, and I can't pick one, I'm going to have a contest! Whoever can tell me what's wrong with Akaya (like, what's making him so unhappy…) then I'll let them pick a pairing. But it has to be something that's like…believable, not like oh his boyfriend dumped him; I'm going to go and give you a hint: it's something that a lot of people have…but you also have to name the TYPE of what it is…for example: if you think he has paranoia, you can't just say paranoia, you have to say a type of paranoia…okay, I've given too many hints…)

Disclaimer: If I owned POT, I'd have paid assassins at my door…and all cute Rikkai nicknames belong to Sandelina, and I'm just borrowing them D

Chapter 4: Understanding

Akaya's parents weren't home to tell him to go to school; they were at a conference with his math teacher for some ungodly reason. It didn't matter anyway; he still would've refused to go to school…he was just too…out of it, as some would say…

Closing his eyes, Akaya surrendered himself to sleep, because losing himself to oblivion was much better than the alternative.

_When he had first done it, he didn't know why. All he knew was that he hurt, and he was willing to do anything, anything to make him feel better. No matter what he had to pay._

"I'm sorry, Mudayama-san, but our son would not overdose. It is just not like him." The woman with the discussion turned and looked directly into the math teacher's eyes.

_And it did make him feel better, make him feel alive…the feeling of pain only brought pleasure…_

"I'm very sorry, Kirihara-san. However, I just told you…I could've sworn I saw him putting something into his mouth when I walked by Friday…and I believe his pupils were dilated…"

_The feeling of not being in control, of not having to think…to simply fade away from all the pain he was feeling…_

"…and I'm not the only one…his Language teacher has said his writing has been getting very dark lately…"

_Knowing he could simply fade away when things got too bad; that he could leave his mind behind…and just feel…_

"…the guidance counselor thinks he may suffer from-"

"ENOUGH!"

The teacher turned to look at Kirihara's mother, who; deathly white and obviously furious, was glaring at her.

"Who do you think you are," she asked scathingly, "I know my child better than anyone…better than he does! There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING wrong with him."

_It was so hard to believe that something that was supposed to hurt you could make you feel better…that something that was slowly killing him was the only thing that made him feel alive…_

"That's it, we're leaving!" With that, the furious mother turned and stormed out of the math room, closing followed by her swearing husband, leaving the poor math teacher to stare blindly into the space they once were.

"I don't understand," she murmured quietly, almost to herself. "The school psychologist did say they would only respond with anger if they had suspected something…but then why would they get angry?"

Okay, that's enough for now…I feel so…weird. Writing about this is harder than I thought…but you want to review me even though I'm lazy, right? XD

LoveableDuck


	5. It's Better When You Don't Know

Author's Notes: Okay, so after I did the pairing thing I realized it might be too hard…so if you don't know, just request a pairing…I love them all the same, so instead of just randomly picking one, I think this way will be better. And if your pairing doesn't get picked…TOO BAD! Lol XD

Okay, also; to Kirihara Akaya's comments (I feel so special responding to comments) in all honestly, when I think Akaya I DO NOT think cutting, or anything like that. The reason why he does (in this fic) is because he is my favorite character. (Well, one of them…)

Also, to Chopper-vieh, thanks for your comments…I try P And, honestly; I have more spelling mistakes than you did…lol )

Okay and that is the other thing. After I type my chapters up, I do not reread them, or anything. I should, but…yeah. ) Anyway, I recently started doing spell check (it kind of took me a while…) so I realized that there were grammar mistakes…if something like that happens, I apologize; but I'm just telling you why. P

Disclaimer: Asking me if I own POT or Sandelina's nicknames (haha an extra disclaimer XD) is like asking me if I hate shopping. The answer was, is, and always will be: NO! I LIVE FOR IT! (Well…maybe not Prince of Tennis…but definitely shopping )

Chapter 5: It's Better When You Don't Know

When Akaya woke up, he got the lovely pleasure of seeing his parents hovering right over him. If there was something he did not like, it was having people invade his personal bubble; but there was something in their eyes that made him not demand that they move away.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

"Okay, that was not a good sign", Akaya thought silently. His mother never spoke in that tone of voice unless she was really, really worried about him - and the only thing that would make her worried now was something that was just better left unsaid.

"Yeah mom, I'm fine," he said out loud; before her cell phone started ringing. And, instead of doing her normal thing, _she turned it off_.

"You sure? Because I talked to your math teacher, and she seemed worried…" his mother observed Akaya's face for a few moments in silence, closely studying the carefully blank look he had. "Oh, and you usually don't sleep this late…you slept through your tennis practice and even part of first period."

"Oh my God! Are you serious?" After glancing at the clock, he saw she was right. "Okay, I'd better get going…" Even as he spoke, he quickly pulled himself up; before coming back down with a loud thump. "Uh oh…maybe it's starting to affect me more than I thought…" Akaya thought with a slight cringe.

"Oh honey, are you okay," asked his mom, bending down to help her son up.

"Yeah mom…I'm fine…just feeling sick and a little dizzy." Without accepting her hand, he stood back up, and swaying slightly; frowned.

Gazing uneasily at her son, his mom said "Are you okay? Are you sick or…something?" She did not want to mention what that "something" was.

"Nah, I'm okay…" Akaya blinked even as the room started to spin.

"Akaya…OH MY GOD, AKAYA!" Grabbing her son before he collapsed at her son, she yelled for her husband for a minute, before remembering he had left after the math conference to go to work. Grabbing the cell phone she had turned off only moments ago, Akaya's mother did the only thing she knew how to do in this kind of emergency: call the hospital.

Heheheh…a cliffie. ) REVIEW OR I WILL MAKE YOU WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

LoveableDuck (who is probably not so loveable now…XD)


	6. Found Out

Author's Notes: Am I really using the semi colon incorrectly? I thought you could use it to tie two sentences together when they are the same idea…well, that's how I explain it, for lack of better (or any) words. And yes, I know I am dragging it out…but you'll all see WHY…it's kind of helping the plot (not that there is one right now….XD). Also, Akaya will NOT die. NONONONONONONONOONONOO! I would never do that…ever! I love him too much! Okay, maybe I don't…lol, but I don't like death fics…unless they're really well written…well, whatever; that's not the point. (AHH! SEMI COLON AGAIN!) also, thanks for the suggestions on thoughts…I have thought about doing it, but the way I've been writing thoughts seemed sufficient…but if it is confusing I will change it…

Okay, well to Chopper Vieh, about the updating thing…1) I AM GROUNDED (slowly kills herself) which means I have a lot of time (too much) to do with myself and 2) I go to sleep away camp…for TWO MONTHS! IN ABOUT 2 WEEKS! I want this fic to have a full story line, so I am writing a lot...and also, reviewing will make me write faster (as you have just found out)… so the more you review, the more I right…and maybe I'll even finish before sleep away camp (if I don't then that would really suck, cuz it would be 2 months AT LEAST before any updates) ps- that's so cool! I wish I could speak German! The only language I can speak is Americanized English, I know a few Japanese words (enough to follow anime), I'm supposed to be learning Italian (I'm not), and I was supposed to be able to speak Hebrew (for my Bat Mitzvah)…but I can't. lol.

Basically, I just need to hear your deep inner thoughts on this rambling page full of words I am proud to call a story. )

Disclaimer: If I owned POT, I would've gotten addicted and moved on to something much stronger a LOMG time ago…and Sandelina's nicknames are hers, but I like them and couldn't come up with any better…so I'm borrowing them XD

Chapter 6: Found Out

Akaya's mom had known there was something wrong with her son even before the math teacher had said anything. He had been acting strange, much sadder than usual; and she didn't and couldn't understand why. She had known he was high, but hadn't wanted to say anything…it seemed impossible to her that her baby could be doing drugs, especially when she noticed that it seemed like some of her medicine as missing from the medicine cabinet. She had noticed only because that was where she also kept her makeup, and so she had written the characters of her last name along with a number to know how much medicine there was. That was how the math teacher had known the aspirin was Akaya's; it was marked with their last name. The very thing that she had done in order to help her son had been the very thing to alert other people that something was wrong.

Meanwhile…

The entire Rikkai team had started to get worried. It wasn't like Akaya to miss morning and afternoon practice.

"Hey, where's the brattling?" Niou turned around to face Yanagi because, as the resident data expert, he should know.

"I don't know." This answer was greeted with silence, mostly because there had been no mention of percentages or "chances of."

"What?!" yelled Marui about 5 seconds after everyone had acknowledged the fact that Yanagi didn't know (although that was mostly done with stares and open mouths).

"I don't know," Yanagi repeated calmly, seemingly unaffected by the responses he was getting.

"Now Renji; losing our touch now are we?" With a smile, the buchou of the Rikkai team walked up to their little circle.

"No." Yanagi looked over at Yukimura and frowned.

"He is not in school today." Everyone turned to look over to Sanada. "I wanted to know why he had not shown up to practice this morning and found out that he was not in school."

"But where is he, then?" Jackal thought of how yesterday, Akaya had been acting…weird. Just kind of…off.

"I don't know…they called his home, but no one answered." Sanada managed to keep the worry out of his voice, Akaya _was _one of the best players, and if he was injured or something…

"Why don't we call his cell?" Everyone looked over to Yagyuu, who had been otherwise silent this whole time. "It makes sense that, in order to find out where he is, we ask him," he finished politely.

"Okay, I have his number." No one was surprised at that statement; it would be more frightening if Yanagi did not have the number.

Quickly pulling his own cell phone out, Yanagi typed in Akaya's number and dialed.

At the hospital…

Akaya's mother literally jumped when her son's cell went off, she had wanted to call her family, and since she had been in her son's room, it had just made more sense to take that cell phone than to go to another room and take her's.

"Konichiwa?" she asked nervously, wondering who would be calling her son.

"Konichiwa," the male voice on the other end answered calmly. "You are quite obviously not Akaya, as you are female…but this is his cell phone number, so why is it you have it?"

Akaya's mom paused, opened her mouth to respond, and then just let all her emotions out to the stranger on the phone "WHO ARE YOU?!"

"Yanagi Renji. And how do you know Akaya, are you related to him in anyway, and-"

Akaya's mom blinked in confusion, the boy's voice had been cut off. In the background though, she could hear yells of "DATA!" and curses flying.

"Gomen."

Akaya's snapped back to reality with the calm, polite voice.

"May I inquire as to where Akaya is?" the voice continued.

"How do you know him?" the confused woman asked hesitantly.

"I am on his tennis team."

"Then come to the Hospital of Japan, please. I will be waiting in the hall outside of room 101. I have some questions to ask you boys."

With that, Yagyuu was confronted with the dull ringing as the man on the other line hung up.

Okay, I was trying a new writing style…how is it? Please review…I still don't know what pairing I'm going to go with XD. Oh, and do you get the ending? grins wickedly You know, I like writing that with the start thingy…)

LoveableDuck


	7. Pain Can't Always be Felt

Author's Notes: Okay, I have been told by a certain someone (my sister) and in a review or two, that my chapters are too short. So, I have decided to TRY to make them longer. (Trying is not the same as actually doing it lol) also, no one got the ending…but KIRIHARA AKAYA! (And she just happens to have the same name as my main character…) yes, I did that on purpose: the whole thing that a guy was hanging up on Yagyuu. )

To my (imaginary) reviewers: I love you guys. You keep me writing (that and the fact that I'm grounded… () ) and I love you all. More than you love me. REALLY.

Okay, to endlessly: I think I have read some of your fics…but I'll go reread them cuz you're cool. XD

To Kirihara Akaya: HAHHAHAHAAHA! I AM RIGHT. Okay, now over it. Oh, thanks for pointing out that I was spelling the name incorrectly…and as previously mentioned, the "man" was not a technical error…or whatever you called it…lol.

To I'llDieLaughingAtYou: not as much as I love your name. XD

To Chopper-vieh: speaking German is cool. This conversation is now ended. XP

And yes Shimizu Miki…Yanagi has got to bee a terror to talk on the phone to. XD.

Disclaimer: If I owned the Prince of Tennis, then I'd be the god of the world, and all the cute tennis boys would pray to me. ) I also do not have the power of ownage over the Rikkai nicknames, but because I am feeling unoriginal (and I like them) I am borrowing them from Sandileina. And she just might not get them back…XD

Chapter 7: Pain Can't Always be Felt

When Akaya woke up, he wasn't in his room. Instead, he was in a startlingly clean white room, with two open windows, and a breeze coming through. He closed his eyes and tried to remember just _why _he was in this strange place…and then remembered the morning. Sighing, he closed his eyes and rolled over, knowing that if his mom had taken him here, she just might know the truth…

Meanwhile…

When they reached their designated place, none were surprised to see a tall, dark haired man. Yagyuu had told them about how a man had taken over the phone; and Yukimura's guess was that Akaya's mother was too stressed to deal with them now. That guess was close.

"I'm Dr. Yumatzu," the tall man introduced himself.

"I'm Yukimura Seiichi, buchou of the tennis team that Akaya is on. And that is Sanada Genichiroh, the fukubuchou; that is Yanagi Renji, that's Niou Massaharu, Marui Bunta, Yagyuu Hiroshi, and Jackal." As he spoke, the blue-haired captain calmly nodded towards the member, and each bowed to the doctor.

"Very nice to meet you all…now, I have some questions to ask you about Kirihara-kun. Please respond to them as best as you can." The doctor took as a note pad to take notes, while the regulars exchanged confused looks.

Akaya

It was about four ("The middle of Tennis practice," thought Akaya) when a nurse walked in, carrying with her some food that his mother had requested the hospital to give him. His mom was downstairs, talking to some doctors who specialized in Akaya's type of problems. Pretending to be asleep, Akaya carefully studied the food for what he wanted. When ten minutes later, the nurse walked out, she had no idea the problems she had just helped arouse.

Regulars

While this was taking place, the other Rikkai tennis team members had been getting questioned about certain behaviors that Akaya had. So far, Niou's favorite was: in the time you have known Akaya, do any of you know of any suicidal thoughts or things he may have done? In fact he had laughed out loud; the very idea of the brattling doing something like that was just…outrageous. But still, the doctor had looked rather angry when he had laughed, and it was beginning to give Niou some second thoughts as to the nature of these questions.

Akaya

Luckily for him, his mother had asked that she be aloud to order in food, and ha ordered in his favorite American type of food: a steak sandwich. Which, coincidentally, had come with his current favorite tool: a knife.

Regulars

"So, have any of you known Akaya to get sad or maybe depressed over things you consider rather stupid?" the blank looks the doctor was getting answered his question before their voices did. Sighing, he thought grimly to himself, "that kid's pretty damn good at hiding his feelings…no wonder he got so far…"

"Excuse me, but is that all?" The doctor turned to look at the calm and polite voice of the Gentleman, who had been introduced to him as Yagyuu Hiroshi. "I am very sorry, but I would like to see him. That is why we came in the first place."

The doctor sighed inwardly…he wasn't even halfway done with the questions he had to ask! But it was clear from the reactions he was getting that none of them knew anything about Akaya's recent activities; the only productive answer he had gotten so far when he had asked if Akaya had been acting strange lately. He had gotten a few nods and a shrug from the one who had laughed at the question about suicidal activity.

"Yes…you are done. You may go and see him now. He is in the third room to the right. Sorry to keep you waiting." Without the doctor turned and walked away; he had to see to the child's mother. She had obviously been breaking down while on the phone; although her voice didn't show it, there were tears running down her face, and he could guess that she would break down…which she did as soon as the phone was taken away from her.

The Rikkai regulars turned, and following the doctor's instructions, walked into Akaya's room: just in time to see him draw the knife out of his stomach.

Ahahhaahha… another cliffy! I am so bad. ) and if you want a quick update, I suggest you review!

LoveableDuck (who should change her name to HateableDuck)


	8. Confrontation

Author's Notes: Okay, so I wrote the 7th chapter…and then I felt bad for my poor, suffering (nonexistent) fans who want to know what happened. Oh, and before I forget, I am grounded for at least another week, so I'll keep updating as I have….WARNING: this is an extremely sick and twisted chapter…I have no idea how I manage to write this stuff...I'm thinking about writing a fluffery oneshot…what do you think?

Disclaimer: if I owned the Prince of Tennis, I'd be able to draw more than crappy stick figures. XD And if I owned the Sandileina's nicknames, then I'd have to be creative. gasps at the thought, then falls over and dies.

Chapter 8: Confrontation

When Akaya first considered cutting, he knew he had to do it in a place no one would notice. Because he was on a tennis team, it put his wrists and arms out of the question; as well as his lower legs. He knew that if his sempai-tachi found out about it, they'd be really, really upset. And, more importantly, either kill him or threaten his regular's position on the team. So, he decided to cut his stomach, and slash his back when he was really upset, and maybe his upper legs on an off day; it made sense, and then his sempai-tachi would have no idea what he was doing.

Until now.

"AKAYA!" Yukimura's yell, followed by Marui's gasp and a string of curses from Niou, was quickly followed up with grabbing the Demon's arms with Sanada and Yagyuu and trying to take away the knife from him. Yanagi and Jackal didn't move to help; both were standing in shock; Yanagi wasn't even taking any notes or new "data".

"HEY, GET OFF OF ME!" squirming frantically, Akaya clung to the knife, desperate trying to finish what he had started. But, although he _was _the Rikkai ace, he tired and weaker than usual. This, along with the combined strength of Yagyuu, Sanada, and Yukimura, forced him to relinquish the knife.

"What. The. Hell. Were. You. Doing?" Niou's face was even whiter than his hair, and the way he was glaring at Akaya reminded him of the time he had tried to cut off his ponytail.

"Aka-chan…cuts?" Marui's brain couldn't seem to acknowledge what his eyes were seeing. Yanagi and Jackal still stood there limply; apparently Marui wasn't the only one experiencing disbelief.

Yukimura grabbed Akaya and looked him directly in the eyes. "Akaya, how long have you been doing this?" he just managed to keep his tone low, glancing at the door which had been pushed open when they walked in; reading his mind, Sanada walked numbly over to the door and closed it. If anyone had seen that…

"Give it back." Akaya glared at Yukimura; all he felt was worry about his regular's position and longing for his knife.

"No." Yukimura turned and looked over at Jackal, who had moved closer to look at Akaya's cuts.

"You're…bleeding." Yanagi whispered, feeling sick with what he had just seen.

Looking at Yanagi as though he was crazy, Niou did the only thing he could do at that moment: Blow up. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE FUCKING BLEEDING!? OFCOURSE HE IS, HE WAS FUCKING CUTTING HIMSELF!" breathing hard, Niou whirled around to glare at the newly dubbed cutter.

Much to the surprise of the Trickster; instead of backing him up, Yukimura frowned at him. "Haru, please don't…just don't." Now, Yukimura just looked like he was going to cry.

"I think…I think we should clean up your cuts." Jackal peered anxiously at the deep marks in Akaya's stomach, but as soon as he tried to touch his kouhai's stomach, Akaya jerked out of the way.

"No." Akaya said firmly, eyes locked onto those of Jackal. Jackal, however, wasn't concerned with what Akaya had just said…it was fascinating him, in a sick way; the pool of blood formed by Akaya's open cuts that were on his stomach - and back.

"Akaya," Marui said slowly, realizing he could still use his voice. "What…how…why? Why…are you doing this…How are you doing this?" He stared dumbly at his kouhai, apparently too shocked to be able to finish his train of thoughts.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Sanada had regained his otherwise unshakable composure.

"No," Akaya answered shortly. His attention was otherwise kept by a certain Jackal who now appeared to be following the trail of every drop of blood to the floor. _Drip, drip, drip…_

"Okay, brattling… before Jackal has a heart attack, let's fix up your cuts." Niou walked over to Akaya, thankful that anger and annoyance were so much easier to express than fear or worry.

"No," repeated Akaya firmly, but with a little more force in his voice. Still watching the regulars who were standing in front of him, he didn't notice Yanagi and Niou, who were now approaching his back, in order to grab him to-

"NO! NONONONONOO!" Twisting fruitlessly in Yukimura, Sanada, and Yagyuu's grip Akaya was forcibly pinned down while Jackal, using power towel and water from the bathroom down the hall, carefully cleaned Akaya's cuts.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Akaya's voice pounded in their heads, even as he tried to wriggle and squirm his way out of the throbbing grip. "If you clean them, they won't scar!" he cried. And was met with a dumbfounded silence.

"Akaya…you…_want_ scars?" Jackal paused in his cleaning (which was really just spreading water all over Akaya, because he was moving so much) to see how Akaya answered Yagyuu's question. "Yes, I want scars. If I have scars, then I'll look the same on the outside as I feel on the inside."

No one could even begin to realize the very implications of what Akaya had just said.

Okay, so if you want to know what happens next…REVIEW! And yes, I know you love me…XD

LoveableDuck


	9. This is How I Disapear

Author's Notes: Okay…I said in some other chapter (I love how I don't know which one XD) that I wasn't going to kill off Akaya. Because, umm, I'm not. He will live. Unhappily (for now), but still living. Okay, now that I've (hopefully) cleared that up…XD

To KiriharaAkya: No space! ) Oh and I kind of forgot Jackal's last name. DON'T HURT ME! Also, I didn't know what Akaya's favorite food was…I meant to say favorite food OTHER than his real favorite food. XD Okay, about the whole knife thing… one; I made him cut with a knife for something (that will be) important later (hopefully) And also, about the cutting thing…okay, I know that most people (okay, okay…ALL) think that I am a prep. I mean I wear the clothes, and have the whole bitchy attitude, but "preps" can be just as messed up as "Goths" and "eemos." rolls eyes in annoyance I am friends with a lot of people, and anyone - and I do mean this literally - can cut themselves. Honestly, have I ever done it? No. (Now that's a shocker.) but I do know people who have, as well as people who have stabbed themselves…some who lived, and some who died. (My school isn't in Chicago either; I live in New York.) Problems are everywhere…I guess my point here is that I know people who do cut themselves with knives, some with razors, some with scissors…I know a person who used to stick a needle into their skin…but okay. I'm getting off the subject…oh, and I do appreciate your reviews. And I don't ignore any reviews…lol )

To Chopper-vieh: hahaha…I know chapter 8 wasn't so bad…I EDITED out the more gruesome parts. But if you really want them…I can put them in…XP

To angel-of-nothing: I'm glad you feel bad for him. I mean, I am making him suffer.

To endlessly: yes. You ARE a fan. D And it's okay to say upload…because that's what it is. Right?

To May-Linn87: I feel so…loved. XD And also, I haven't quite decided on pairings yet…I think it's going to be an Akaya/Mura pairing but I'm not sure…and I think you should put your fics on the website. )

This is just a warning to the poor souls who read this: I spent all day at the mall (and I got some really cute clothes at Hollister and Abercrombie!) so my mind may be…more…out there than usual. ) And I am still not ungrounded…I was just able to go shopping. (My favorite activity…XD)

Disclaimer: My insane ramblings will not profit me (or my sanity) in any way. I don't own Sandileina's nicknames, and saying I do will make me even more delusional. D Oh, and the title of this chapter is the name of a song by My Chemical Romance…it's a good song, but I just wanted to borrow the title…XP And I do own my poem…at least, I know I typed out the words…XD And I know it's not that good; shut up I write it at 2 am in the morning! XX

Chapter 9: This is How I Disappear

"So what do you think he meant when he said 'look the same as I feel on the inside, Seiichi?" Yukimura glanced back over to Yanagi; the two of them (along with the rest of team who had decided to come along) were going to visit Akaya.

"I don't know…I just hope he feels better." It had been three days since the incident in the hospital, and two since he had been dismissed; thankfully, when they put his shirt back on, non one knew he had been…slicing himself up with a knife. And so far, no one had seemed to be able to figure just _what _was wrong with him. Not even Yanagi went with his usual percentages at guessing; he said that as far as he had ever known, there wasn't anything wrong with him. Which was why he was bringing a stack of notebooks with him…for some new "data" on Akaya.

_Blood is what makes you alive_

_The very essence of what's in me_

_My very soul; what's made me survive_

_The person I've become to be_

_With each drop that I lose_

_With each tear I can't cry_

_There is nothing else I can choose_

_It is now myself that I must defy_

_If I truly even want to die._

_I laugh and I go_

_Almost as though_

_I don't really care_

_Who I was_

_And what I've lost-_

_Nothing; I was never even there._

Akaya paused to look down at the lines that he had carelessly scribbled on the back of his math paper. Sighing, he started to scribble it out; his math teacher was the one who had brought all this trouble, after all.

_Ding dong. _Akaya jerked out of his thoughts with the ringing of the bell, and his mother's call that she would answer it. She was taking off work until he was "better", and since his dad had finally moved out yesterday...he sighed again; it was all _his_ fault…

"Akaya? You okay?" Akaya looked up to see his frowning buchou (along with the rest of the team) in his doorway. Akaya stared at him for a moment, and then, laughing suddenly, motioned them into his room.

"Akaya…what's so funny?" Jackal peered anxiously at the youngest regular, obviously worried about the fact that he was laughing at such a serious question.

"Do I seem 'okay' to you?" Akaya laughed harder at the shocked looks on the regulars' faces (except for Sanada who just looked blank, and Yanagi who were scribbling in his notebook).

"Do you really find that…funny?" Marui obviously had some trouble getting the last word out.

Akaya opened his mouth to respond, but Niou beat him to it. "Obviously he does, sugar freak; maybe if you actually ate some nutritional food your brain would work correctly."

"Shut up, Haru…this is about Akaya not you being all…youish." Marui glared at the Trickster, before looking worriedly at Akaya who was watching without any particular sign of interest.

"Now _that's_ an insult…me being me," Niou said, but he muttered it softly, as though he knew Marui was right but didn't want to admit it.

"Well Akaya, we came here to help you." Yagyuu tried to get the conversation back to where it belonged: Akaya.

"With what?" Akaya sighed inwardly; this was going to take a while. He could feel it.

"With anything." Everyone looked at Akaya, waiting for him to tell them why he as cutting. And what made him do it, and why he had been in the hospital (although Yanagi had called several times, no one had told him why he was there. They said it was on a "need to know" basis. "And you don't need to know," the person on the line had said after the fourth call).

"Okay. Help me with my homework." _Nothing was better, Akaya thought silently, then making his sempai-tachi go around in circles._

Exchanging worried glances, and wondering why Akaya was stalling (they all knew he had been cutting), the Rikkai regulars proceeded to help Akaya do his homework. They had quiet for about two minutes, until the infinitely curious Yanagi decided to find out what they had come to find out.

"Akaya…why were you in the hospital?" Yanagi had his pen poised above the page in anticipation of Akaya's response.

"You don't know?" Akaya looked at them in surprise; this made his life _much _easier.

"No." Yanagi continued to gaze at Akaya. "I was told it was on a need to know basis."

"It is." Leaving it at that, Akaya looked up in time to see Yukimura staring at the back of a certain math paper. The same one that he had written his poem on, and the same one that hadn't been able to finish scribbling out when the regulars walked in (he so did not want them to ask about it). _Crap, it must have been moved around when they started to help me on my homework, _Akaya thought worriedly.

Sure enough, Yukimura said, speaking very slowly as if he could not believe it himself, "Akaya…what is this?"

"A poem." Stating the obvious was a good tactic with his parents. But not with the regulars.

"A poem…" Yukimura murmured softly, eyes traveling the lines again.

"I can see that…" letting his voice trail off, Yukimura showed the Sanada and Jackal, the two who were sitting closest next to him, the letter.

"Crap…" Akaya mumbled. They were going to ask him questions that he wasn't going to be able to answer…and ones that he could answer, and really didn't want to.

"Akaya…this poem…" Although Sanada's face didn't show it, it was clear from his voice that he was not impressed with Akaya's writing ability.

"It is rather…unlike you." Yagyuu chose the safer choice of words.

"I guess." Akaya watched their faces suspiciously for a sign of what was to come next.

"Do you really feel this way?" Niou asked abruptly. "I mean, actually, honestly, truly feel like his?" Niou's tone and face were dead serious…rare thought they were, when Niou deemed it necessary, he could be serious.

Akaya decided that a shrug was the safer than answering the question in words, and so that's what he did.

"Akaya, this poem isn't titled." Yanagi interrupted the silence that had occupied the room while everyone (but him) was staring at Akaya. Yanagi had carefully copied over the lines, but had realized that there was no title.

"Yes there is. The title of my poem is 'This is How I Disappear'."

Everyone had more reviews than me. falls onto the floor weeping uncontrollably Come on, you know you want to review me…and find out what happens next. D And don't worry, you'll find out about his mom and dad in the next chapter or so…but it doesn't have to be a day or so…just review me! XP

LoveableDuck


	10. Beautiful Disaster

Author's Notes: About pairings…okay, I still haven't decided on the pairings for this story…but I definitely want one (or more). I'm open to suggestions, because I like all pairings…quite literally; there is no pairing I dislike. ) So, if you want to suggest a pairing, go ahead…but if I do pick one you don't like, I'm sorry…but I just have to type out what my story wants me to. D Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed Why? It doesn't mean I'm going to do a YukiHara pair, but I am definitely considering it…it's one of my favorite pairings (while there are non I dislike, I do have favorites). XD

To KiriharaAkaya: Yeah, I know they are way over reacting and over thinking the whole cutting thing…honestly, though; the real reason that they're freaking out over it (or what it's supposed to be lol) is not that he's cutting, but _why _he's cutting. I mean, seriously, I can't (couldn't) imagine Akaya cutting (until I decided to write this fanfic lol). But yeah…another thing I think is that cuz I'm a drama queen, I over dramatize everything…its how I write. (and also one of the things I want to change XD) So yeah, thanks for pointing that out…I was trying to avoid that, too. Oh, and on to the rest of what I wrote I kind of (completely) got off topic…I have no idea what I was trying to do…but yeah. I guess what I meant (in my own freakishly not-on-track) way, was that…that…oh wow…I totally forgot the point I was trying to make. WOW. Okay, I'm sorry cringes I even just reread what I wrote…and I don't follow it…sorry. ( Um…you forgive me for not being able to follow my own thought process right?...right?

Oh, and as an additional little random side not, I hope your friend (Jessica, right?) is okay…and this probably doesn't mean much coming from a person you don't know too well, but dealing with that is really hard…(I love how I'm using "that" as a word XD) Wow. This is really long…you can ignore this if you want…and I know it doesn't matter who I am, but…well…yeah. (Sorry for this being so awkwardly worded…I kind of just type as it comes to my head) So…basically…just ignore me. That's just the smartest thing you can do…

To Slave of Darkness: Well, I am going to try to get Akaya with someone…but I don't know who…that kind of stops it, huh?

To endlessly: Really…how can you not like YukiHara…it's so cute! falls over fangirling Well…I still don't if I'll pick it (cuz I'm still undecided)…but I AM leaning toward it (just so you know)…

To angel-of-nothing: don't worry too much about updating, I usually do it once a day…so it will get there )

To Shimizu Miki: Yes. Akaya is (kind of) eemo. Thanks. I like to think of myself as (sort of) deep…although I can be frightfully shallow…did you really get your friend to stop cutting though? Lol you don't have to answer…although that would be appreciated XD

To May-Linn87: Yes! You are a good reviewer! Okay, not only can I not speak Norwegian (that's what they speak in Norway, right?) I can barely speak English. Actually, I speak a very dangerous language: Americanized English! And wow, that is a really weird message…couldn't you just minimize it? Unless it didn't have a minimize button…wow that would suck so bad…my computer had spell check. I always use it since me spelling is worse than my stories (I know, I know) Hard to believe right? Lol, actually I think this is getting better…just so you know; you CAN skip reading this…

To I'llDieLaughingAtYou: thank you. ) That's all that needs to be said.

And as a further note…I love responding to reviews (can't you tell?) but it's getting to the point where the responses are half the actual story…so I'm probably going to start responding to less and less. If I don't respond to yours, don't feel bad; ALL REVIEWS ARE APPRECIATED! P

Disclaimer: If I owned PoT, I would smoke PoT. And since I have no intention of becoming an addict, I guess I can never have it…and Sandileina's nicknames are not mine, and instead belong to…that's right! Her! Oh, and the title of this fic is (once again!) a title of a song…by Kelly Clarkson, I think; I'm not using the song, I just think it's a good title for this chapter. )

Chapter 10: Beautiful Disaster

"Do you really want to disappear?" It was Niou who asked this question much to everyone's surprise; but he had the feeling that Akaya was not suspecting a response to what he had just said.

"I said: Do you really want to disappear?" Niou repeated, saying each word very slowly. Several emotions flashed across Akaya's face; sadness and unhappiness was one of them, but instead all he did was shrug.

"Answer in words, brattling." Niou was looking right into Akaya's green eyes as he spoke, and he thought they looked a little glassy for a moment. And then Akaya laughed.

"What the hell is so funny?" Niou was beginning to get mad, a welcome change from worry. Yagyuu leaned over and flashed him a warning look without even moving any face muscles, but Niou was not to be stopped.

"Were you in the hospital because you tried to commit suicide?" the entire regular team stared at Niou, and then mumbling something about "good data", Yanagi began to write down what had just happened, word for work. "You didn't answer me, brat…did you?"

"No," Akaya whispered. But there was something written on his face, and even Sanada stared at Akaya in disbelief.

"You have ten minutes to explain what the hell happened." Niou didn't bother to say a threat; it was Niou, and he wasn't known as the Trickster for nothing.

After seeing that no one would help him, Akaya opened his mouth. And began to tell his tale.

When Akaya first learned he was an alcoholic, he had been seven. At his grandfather's birthday party, someone had left a cup of wine unattended to, and; dared by older cousins; drank a glass of rather potent wine. And found out just how much he enjoyed being drunk.

He liked how he felt carefree, and out of his mind…how he had no real control over what he did, he was simply…free. It was like being himself, only better…because this thing, called "alcohol", freed his mind from worry, and all emotions…so he was just…Akaya.

Of course, his parents weren't too happy about the fact that he was drunk (although other family members found it hilarious), and it was until Akaya was eleven that he got to drink again. It was at a friend's older brother's party, and this time it was vodka…a much more powerful force than the wine had been...especially after four shot glasses in a row. As the time became blurry, and he slowly got accepted by older kids who had the alcohol he needed, Akaya soon learned that being drunk just wasn't enough anymore: now he needed to get high.

Akaya didn't want to do real drugs…at twelve years of age, he knew illegal drugs were extremely dangerous, and so he resorted to something that didn't seem as bad: legal drugs. By overdosing on simple things like Advil, aspirin, and even Tylenol, he could get the high he now craved, and needed.

Which was one of the reasons he played tennis, he loved that feeling he got, that _high_…but tennis did become more for him…which was why he decided to go to Rikkai, and be part of the tennis team. Of course, he knew that the getting high and the drinking were going to have to tone down now…but he thought if he just lay off them for a while, he would be okay. And he didn't know just how wrong he was.

"I went to the hospital because I mixed sleeping pills with alcohol." Akaya waited patiently to see the response he would get; although he knew he wouldn't like it, he knew he would have to deal with it eventually.

"Aka-chan…that could kill you." Marui barely whispered the words the other regulars didn't want to say out loud.

"Yeah…I know." That was the other problem…while it was true he was addicted, it was also true that he cut down. So long as he had tennis and his will power. Tennis gave him the natural high he craved, and by thinking about just what Sanada would do to hi if he found out…well, that had been enough incentive to keep his partying to the weekends.

"But then…if you were cutting back, why did you start again?" Akaya did his best to look unconcerned, leave it to Yanagi to ask the question he didn't want to answer. Because it was the reason behind this answer that led to the answers of everything that was bothering the regulars.

The problem was that he was sad. He was sad and he didn't know why. And it wasn't sad the way you get sad when a person tells you something you don't want to hear, or when you dump someone…this was deeper, piercing him through his heart with a sword made out of something that not even Akaya, the one who was stabbed, totally knew what it was made of.

Being this…depressed made him not care. It made him not want to live anymore. Why should he live, when living was so painful? When it could slowly cut yourself up, again and again? The very thing he was doing to himself physically was the very thing that he felt, day after day after day...and it hurt. And to make that hurt go away, he drank. He got high. He cut, because by cutting he could release his feelings…but there was only so much better that these things could make him feel.

"But…I don't understand…how did you end up in the hospital?" Only Yukimura could be able to think while the rest of the regulars were staring at Akaya the way you would stare at a baby kitten your parents wouldn't let you keep: as if it can't take care of itself, but if you couldn't either.

"Well," Akaya began slowly," what happened was, the night before, I took some sleeping pills and had some beer over at my friend's house. But…I didn't get enough of a buzz…so when I got home, I also took some more sleeping pills when I got home. Then I passed out on my bed, after writing this poem…but when I woke up, I was really dizzy…I guess the effects hadn't worn off yet, so I ended up passing out if front of my mom. And she had suspected the overdosing thing, so she took me to the hospital."

"Then why is it that your stomach didn't get pumped?" At this point, everyone was beginning to wonder how Yukimura managed to sound so calm…but then, that could be _why_ he was the captain: being calm in the face of a disaster.

"Because while it was true I overdosed, it was also true that I didn't do it enough… I didn't drink enough alcohol to really affect the sleeping pills." It had taken several explanations of this by various doctors in the hospital to get it through his mom's head that he didn't have to have his stomach pumped; they had tested his blood, and said he would be okay.

"So…do the doctors know what's wrong?" Yukimura gazed worriedly at Akaya…he seemed so…uncaring, as though he was separated from all of this.

"No." And that was true…Akaya had refused to stay there any longer, and his dad had backed him up on it…it was one of the things his mom and dad were fighting about.

"Well, I know what's wrong." Everyone looked in surprise over to Jackal, who had been the first of the regulars aside from Yukimura to voice his opinions. "You have to stop…drinking, getting high…everything."

"No. I'd rather die."

So, what do you think? I'm not quite sure I liked how it came out…it's anti-climatic…although the climax hasn't come yet! ) So review me, please…especially about parings…and the chapter title will have more significance as the story moves along, and don't worry. Oh, and if you don't like it, tell me…I just wrote it and already I'm considering rewriting it…I'm not sure all the explanations are satisfactory…

LoveableDuck


	11. The Kill

Author's Notes: Okay, I am STILL undecided about the paring…but I am leaning toward YukiHara. Cuz they are so cute together! And they match really, really well. Their hair, I mean…like seriously…the blue and the black look so good together…okay, you guys can just ignore me…XD Also, I am still going to respond to reviewers…cuz it's fun, and it makes me feel special ) but, I might not pick you out specifically…but I probably will answer/comment in a general way…and if you think I haven't responded before…well, you're wrong; I just can't respond to them all the time. XP Also, for the last chapter…I thought it was just necessary to have sort of an explanation chapter…although the title will have a greater significance later on…I might edit it though, there were some parts I wasn't happy with…

Okay, as an additional side note: school will be over in…a week. (I'M GONNA GO TO HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR! YAY!!!) So, yes, finals have started. ) In fact, I'll be taking the regents…because (for some unknown and completely unjustified) reason, I took biology this year (supposedly cuz I'm smart, but it's really cuz the bio students are the stupid ones, and they throw a few really smart kids in to make you think it's for the smart kids…I have this whole theory…that I didn't even come up with) okay, so that basically means that updates will be slower. I know you are crying (or laughing on the inside, but there isn't too much of a difference in this case), but I will update, and will (hopefully) finish before camp. Okay, moving on…

To KirharaAkaya (because you're my first reviewer; you get special treatment lol): Wow…whatever you're going through right now, I feel for you. A lot of this is based on things I have experienced and felt first hand (although I have applied those to different things…kind of) and, yes; I do know you can overdose on cough medicine. This is completely irrelevant, but I have a friend who overdosed on cough drops…she ate three bags in an hour, and got high on them. Also, to the whole counseling thing…last year, I was sent down because the school thought I was cutting. ME. Forgive me for being stereotypical here, but you have to hear this: a ditzy, preppy, Abercrombie and designer wearing (supposedly) intelligent flirt…CUTTING! WHO WEARS SHORT SLEEVES AND SKIRTS IN THE MIDDLE OF APRIL! slowly kills the school and then you have kids that take out razor blades during class, and cut themselves. (And this really happened…and more than once, too). My school is very cliquey, and we don't act otherwise; but I'm friends with a lot of people who are in different cliques…and I'm going on and on, and I'm pretty sure you clicked on this to read whatever nonsense I decided to write, and not this whole thing. Oh, and just so you know: I'm going to be one of the 8th graders to graduate this year…I'm pretty excited (FREEDOM FROM MY CRAPPY TEACHERS!) but I am going to miss the 7th graders…okay, now I'm really going to go to the story…well disclaimer, then story…okay, I'll stop now…

Disclaimer: If I owned POT, this would be in the series, and not on Also, Sandileina's nicknames are unfortunately not a part of my imagination, they are a part of hers…and the title of this chapter is also a song title, by 30 Seconds to Mars…I heard their song on Z100, they're pretty good…

Just as a side note, I really kind of made fun of the Rikkai boys…sort of like a test stress relief thing…

Chapter 11: The Kill

"I still don't see why his parents won't send him to a rehab." Sanada looked questiongly at Yanagi, who (usually) had all the answers.

"They do not think it will help him, because in that environment, there are no drugs or alcohol to tempt him." Yanagi had spent three hours getting this information out of Akaya; and in the end he had had to agree not to tell any teachers. The rest of the team agreed not to, but for different reasons; reasons that they themselves didn't even know.

"I don't see the logic in that." Sanada and Yanagi looked worriedly over at Yukimura, who hadn't taken Akaya's problems…well. "Obviously, rehabs must work; otherwise they wouldn't have them…" His voice trailing off, Yukimura looked around the room. To him, it just didn't look the same with Akaya. It just wasn't…complete.

"So, I heard the brattling's back in school." Yukimura, Sanada, and Yanagi turned around to see Niou standing there with a bored look on his face.

"Really? It thought he wouldn't be back for a few more days…data…" Caught up in him mumbling, Yanagi started quickly filling up one of the new notebooks he'd bought for Akaya. Because they hadn't had morning practice, no one had seen him; and since it had only been about a week since the "Pill Incident" (as Niou named it), they hadn't thought he'd be back in school.

"That is really strange…I thought that, since his parents know about it, they would at least have him seek help, or keep him out of school for a while…" Frowning slightly, Yukimura gazed distractedly around the room. "Strange…"

"What's strange?" The topic of their conversation stood in the doorway, eyeing his sempais suspiciously.

"You." Niou paused a moment to give Akaya some time to react. When no reaction came, Niou decided it was time for "drastic measures". The fact that Akaya was an addict, an alcoholic, and a cutter (_was there anything he hadn't tried_, the Trickster wondered), and now he wasn't even responding to insults that would normally make him glare…yes, f there was ever a time for drastic measures, now was it.

Completely ignoring the fact that this was not going to help Akaya in anyway (and probably make him run enough laps to last him a lifetime); Niou turned and commented loudly to Sanada,"You know, I heard that people usually do drugs when they want attention. And it made me wonder…what if this whole thing is just a little scheme to get attention?"

Akaya turned around and glared at Niou. Niou was practically screaming this, and he didn't want the world to know…the school just might take action. Pleased that he had got a reaction, Niou turned around to Marui and Jackal, who had just walked in, and announced proudly, "I know why Akaya is an addict!"

While Jackal wondered about the accuracy of that statement, Marui said, "Really? What's the reason?"

"You see, Akaya doesn't really grave highs. He craves attention!" Now Yagyuu, who had just walked in, began to seriously wonder about Niou's (in)sanity. For one thing, Akaya had not wanted them to know he did drugs and alcohol, and for the next…nope. The first reason was enough.

"Haru…I really don't think Akaya is slowly killing himself for attention." Yagyuu silently thanked his poker face, because it granted him immunity from the looks he was now getting.

"Oh, come on…doing that doesn't kill you." While Marui rolled his eyes, it was now Jackal's turn to worry about he sanity (or stupidity) of his doubles partner.

"That's kind of the point." Akaya looked over at his sempai-tachi and rolled his eyes.

"Akaya you want to _die_?" Marui was just the type of cheerful person that people who were suicidal, or even just pessimistic, tried to avoid…and so his seriously lacking in that department.

Akaya, knowing there was really no point in answering, just shrugged.

"Akaya, I think you need to upfront and honest. After all, we just care about you…and you're not going to get any better unless you get help." Yukimura gazed anxiously at his kouhai…there was something in Akaya's eyes….something that had flashed in them when he had come clean about the drugs…and something that he didn't like.

"It's just…" his voice fading out, Akaya shrugged, but the look in his eyes got stronger. Sensing a breakthrough, all the regulars quieted, and gazing expectantly at Akaya, waited for him to begin.

Akaya shifting nervously, opened his mouth and burst out, "I just feel like…like I'm going to die eventually, and that there really isn't any pint in living. Like, everything is just getting worse and worse and worse…I know what I'm doing, and I'm not going to live past 40, but I'm doing it anyway…I hate everything and everyone. My parents have given up on me…hell, I've given up on me…there's just no point to anything, in anything…and the only things that make me feel better are the things that are slowly killing me." Taking a breath, Akaya laughed bitterly. "Everything is so stupid, and all those things that are supposed to be important…just aren't. it's so fucking pointless…and right now, it's just easier to die than to go through feeling like this…and I can't explain how I feel, it's too complicated…" voice fading out, Akaya registered, for the first time, he began his outburst, the shocked looks on his sempai-tachi's faces.

"I-I said too much." And before any more questions could be asked, Akaya turned and left the changing rooms, going to the tennis courts that the rest of the club, excluding the regulars, had left for 20 minutes ago.

Okay…so Akaya kind of broke down…hmm, I don't know if I'm pleased with this…tell me what you think. All you have to do is push that little button right there (you don't even have to sign on!) and I swear, I won't take anything personally…just please review…it'll make me update faster! I SWEAR!

LoveableDuck


	12. Break Me Down

Author's Notes: okay, I have officially decided on the paring: YukiHara. Just as something important, I can't really write boy/boy pairings…not yet, at least. The oneshots I have done are practice…and I think I am (sort of) getting better at this. To tell me what you think about my paring, tell me in the review. NOW. Okay, okay, not now…just once you get to the bottom of the page. XD 

As another thing, I really appreciate people telling me they can relate to the storyline in some way (not that there is a storyline, but I'll ignore that fact for now). And by that, I mean (in my own crazy way) that you can relate to how Akaya feels, or how the other regulars have to deal with it. It makes me feel special (although not special in the way I usually do…XD)

To KiriharaAkaya: Wow, your school is retarded. But to make you feel better (and me feel worse) the dress code in my school is not enforced by teachers. Or the principal…it is enforced by the aides. (Who, by the way, BREAK the school dress code). For example, one day I come to school in an off the shoulder (and so cute!) black and white striped top, and a skirt so short I can name people who have underwear bigger than it. (I looked like a hooker…and got so many compliments. XD) Yeah, but what happened was that none of my teachers said anything, and then my principal walked into my room, saw me (with my clothing obviously breaking the dress code), and he just smiles at me and the rest of the class. Then, later that day, during lunch, I was told to change (by an aide was also breaking the dress code. Ah, isn't my school…oh crap, there is absolutely nothing positive to say about it…okay, give me a minute…

Disclaimer: I can't own POT. It's (currently) illegal in America. (Although there are people who are trying to make it legalized…) Also, Sandileina's (awesome!) nicknames were created by her, and not me. ( And the title is actually borrowed from a line of a song (that I named the last chapter, actually…) However, I do own the poem…which is entitled Break Me Down (which is actually a line in the song).

Chapter 12: Break Me Down

All during practice, Akaya wouldn't look anyone in the eye, and when practice was over, he quickly left before anyone could say anything to him. That, however, didn't stop them from talking about him.

"Oh, wow…I never knew he felt that way." Jackal gazed at his locker sadly, as though by mustering the saddest expression he could, Akaya would get better.

"Of course you never knew he felt that way…no one did." Niou looked over at Jackal and rolled his eyes; stating the obvious had always seemed rather pointless to him.

"Haru, right now is not the time to take your emotions out on someone else." Yukimura's normally smiling face was not smiling, and the look in his eye made even the Trickster shut up.

"Well…we have to do something!" Marui glared over atNiou, continuing Jackal's fight for him. "I mean, we can't just let him…"

"Waste away?" suggested Yagyuu after the ten second pause made it apparent that the tensai had absolutely no idea what to say.

"Yeah!" Marui nodded up and down enthusiastically, glad Yagyuu had done the job that right then, his brain couldn't.

"Well, the way I see it, we are just going to have to go and force ourselves upon him." Nothing delighted Niou more than the idea of "comforting" his kouhai.

"There is a 90 chance he will ignore us, a five percent chance he will deny everything, and a five percent chance that he does something unexpected." Yanagi closed his notebook with a snap.

"…" The entire tennis team had a very synchronized moment.

"When should we go?' Sanada decided that sharing the same thought patterns as Marui and Niou was probably not a good sign.

"Right now." With that, Yanagi led the tennis team to the address in his 1st book on Akaya.

Akaya shoved a curl out of his face, while staring at the back of the bus. Ever since his outburst to his sempai-tachi, he had realized just how…much he needed help. So, deciding to follow the new trend he had started for himself, he began to write a poem.

By the time he got home, he had already written it out in his head. When he walked in through the front door, he saw his mom and his dad. Closing the door quietly, so that they didn't notice he was back, he began to walk up the stairs to his room.

Despite the fact that he closed his eyes and tried to ignore it, he could still here snippets of his parents' conversation.

"…obviously, in denial…"

"…denial! You're the one that won't admit he's sick…"

"…he's not sick, he was just experimenting…"

"…writing this off as a "teenager thing"…"

"…you always blame me, you know that…"

"…is it my fault you're the one to blame? Is it…"

Akaya closed his eyes for a minute, feeling all his bottled up emotions pour onto him. They always were fighting now…and he didn't know why…was it really his fault, as he had heard his dad yell at his mom…not that he'd heard the conversation, but still…always fighting…always fighting…

It was around the time when his thoughts started to repeat that he realized he was shaking.

As the Rikkai regulars neared the house, they could hear muffled sounds of yelling.

"I hope everything is okay…" Yukimura murmured as they neared the house.

When the doorbell rang, the silence in the house seemed, for a moment, unnatural.

"Yes?" The regulars found themselves face to face with Akaya's mom, with an angry dad behind her.

"We would like to visit Akaya, please," Yukimura intoned politely. It was an unspoken rule that either Yagyuu or Yukimura dealt with parents, as parents loved them. And, because Yukimura was closest to the door, he was the one who spoke.

"I'm sorry…but I don't really think so many people should see him now…"began Akaya's mother.

"He was in school today! What're you talking about?" snapped her husband behind her.

"Only because you let him," Akaya's mom muttered under her breath, quietly enough so that she thought no one could hear her, but loudly enough so they could.

"Well, if you just-"

"I'm sorry, but if only one person can see him, can I?" Yukimura silent thanked his way with parents, even as he cut off Akaya's dad; he knew that they're wouldn't be a problem with him speaking to Akaya, especially because everyone else was so nervous about it.

"Okay," Akaya's mom said, grateful to have that settled.

"I'll meet you guys in the park when we're done, okay?" Having a nod from each member of the team, Yukimura turned to walk up towards Akaya's room, letting his team and the parents' yelling fade into the background.

The last time Akaya had felt so dizzy was the time he had gone to the hospital. He was shaking all over, and he couldn't focus; he had to lean on his wall for support. His breathing was shallow, and his heartbeat seemed faint…ad the images in his room flickered in his eyes, he wondered why one of the images suddenly bore a resemblance to his Mura-buchou.

"Akaya?" the image said. And then again; only louder this time. "AKAYA?"

"Yeah, yeah…I'm here." Akaya murmured. The room suddenly shifted, and Akaya could feel his shaking become worse, especially when the image tried to grab him and hold him still.

"Akaya? Akaya, are you…what's wrong?" It didn't take an idiot to realize that asking if you were okay was not a good idea, shaking and swaying as you stood were just not good signs.

"I don't know…so many things…" his voice fading, Akaya tried to focus his visions…and found he was seeing blurry double images."Just like my new poem…"

"Poem…what poem…Akaya what are you talking about? It's me…Yukimura…" seeing his kouhai in this state was beginning to worry Yukimura- to the point of doubting Akaya's parents'' ability to help him.

"I know who you are…that's what it's bout." Akaya laughed out loud, but it was shaky.

"Akaya…"

_"_A_ whisper on the wind, a drawing in the dirt_

_My scars are all split open, and it's starting to really hurt…"_

"Is this your poem?"

_"I know who I am now; I know now what I've lost_

_From fire I am ash, from snow I am the frost"_

"Akaya, do you need my help to stand? You're leaning so much on the wall…"

_"I'm the leftover pieces_

_A shadow in the light_

_And my life is getting weaker…_

_How much longer can I fight?"_

"Akaya, no…listen to me; you are going to be okay…"

_"How can you win a war you know you've lost_

_Before that war had started?_

_How can you try to fix something_

_When you've already been outsmarted?"_

"Akaya…" Yukimura's strangled cry was only a whisper to him now.

_" Break me down, break me down_

_I've never really been whole_

_I'm broken and I'm shattered_

_With missing pieces in my soul."_

Yukimura held onto Akaya, even as the shaking grew worse. It was clear to him that now, Akaya needed a lifeline more than ever…the nervous breakdown he was having screamed it louder than the quietness of the words as he whispered them.

Okay, for the whole legalized pot thing: if you take pot in the form of marinol, it's actually a treatment for cancer. So yeah, there are people trying to get it legalized…okay, for the story: I talked t my friend who really did have a nervous breakdown, sop I think I described it pretty well…if I didn't though, tell me…and here's another thing: if you want me to update, review! Review review review!

LoveableDuck


	13. People Come and Go

Author's Notes: Okay, so I've got good news and bad news. Good news: I'M UNGROUNDED! Bad news: that means slower updates…much slower. XD

School is technically over (tomorrow is 8th grade day, but today was the last day of classes), but I still have finals week. And because I will be taking the regents (can you believe my school thinks I actually use my brain cells?) I have a biology regent's exam (one year early…stupid teacher). So, I'm not going to lie to you: am I going to study? Probably not…okay; NO. Am I going to hang out with my friends? YES. And, seeing as none of my friends actually watch anime (or know what it is) they are not urging me to update. XP But, I have Thursday off from school (and then all the other days, the only thing I have left is finals week) so I'll probably write and update my chapters in the ungodly hours of morning. So that's that!

As for responding to reviews…unless you're not signed in, I'm considering just clicking the reply button…but is that a crappy idea? hint hint: tell me in a review

Also, if you want to use anything from my fics (the only things I can think of are the poems, but if you want to use anything else…) go ahead. I'm really flattered that you asked…just credit me. Be like: and LoveableDuck, who is so totally awesome and amazing wrote this…okay, okay, I'm kidding (for now)…XP

Okay, now to the reason you clicked on the story in the first place: THE THIRTEENTH CHAPTER!

Disclaimer: If I owned POT, I would be officially admitting I have a substance abuse problem. WHICH I DON'T! (No, seriously…I don't) XD And the Rikkai nicknames come from Sandileina's imagination, and not mine. ) And I do, however, own this poem…it is pretty good, if I say so myself…

Chapter 13: People Come and Go

When Akaya recovered, he was lying in his bed, breathing heavily. Shaking his head to clear all the mixed up thoughts in it, he looked up to see Yukimura, who was frowning heavily.

"Mura-buchou? What's wrong?" Yukimura almost fell over at the sound of Akaya's voice; he had gone downstairs to see his kouhai's parents, but they weren't there. After deciding that the rest of the team probably wouldn't be able to handle this new development, and deciding to deal with some of it on his own, Yukimura had returned to see if Akaya was any better. Which he was.

"Akaya…you're okay?" Yukimura had some trouble keeping the worry from creeping into his voice, but he somehow managed.

"Yeah…" His voice fading, Akaya stared at Yukimura, who was now sitting on the edge of his bed. And Akaya could see, deeply imbedded for just a moment, worry, and…something else…

"Well, I don't think you are." And then it was gone, that look; no a _feeling_ of something…

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Akaya…drinking, drugs, cutting…it's not a good sign." No matter how hard Akaya studied his sempai's eyes, he couldn't find a trace of anything other than worry, and sadness.

"I guess." In Akaya's experience, nonchalant answers had always been the best.

"No. not 'I guess'. It's bad, you know it's bad…Akaya you are killing yourself…killing yourself!" Yukimura's eyes were now blazing, and Akaya could never recall ever having seen his sempai so furious at anything ever before.

"I know." Akaya's voice seemed to have left him at that moment, but still the words hung there, before Yukimura's furious words blew them away.

"No. Akaya, you don't know what you're doing to yourself. I mean you do, but you don't! you know what you're doing to yourself, but not to the people around you…you have no idea how bad it is for us, the people who care and love you! We are the ones who now have to deal with all of this happening! Akaya, if you die, do you have any idea what it would be like for us? For all the people who know you, and care about you, and love you?" By this time Yukimura was up and pacing around; his words were flying everywhere, and Akaya could do nothing but watch as his sempai's eyes slowly filled with tears. "Akaya, you have no idea what it's like! Walking into the hospital room, seeing you slowly draw the knife out of yourself…how can you do that?! How can you slowly watch yourself bleed, and feel good about it? How can it make you feel better? And I can't - not as a person, not as a friend, and certainly not as a person who loves you - watch you do this to yourself!"

"You don't have to," whispered Akaya, unable tot ear himself away from the sight of watching his sempai actually shed tears.

"What, so that when you actually do die, all I can think about is what-if? Because, at the rate you're going, you will die Akaya, you will." Shoving his tears away furiously, Yukimura sat down beside Akaya, inhaled deeply, and then said softly," Okay, Akaya, you are now going to talk to me. And I mean really talk, because I want to know how you feel."

"No! No you don't!" Watching his buchou cry had been devastating for Akaya; he now had to accept the fact that his decisions weren't just hurting him. Pulling himself up, Akaya snarled furiously," No one can understand what I'm going through! I don't fucking understand hat I'm going through! I don't know why I feel this way, I just do! I just feel so sad and sick all the time; I just feel like my parents' problems are my fault! I mean, here I am, a fucking drug addict and an alcoholic! I don't want to be an addict; I don't want to spend my entire life drugged up and desperate for a fix! This is not how I want to spend my life!" Like Yukimura, once he got started he just couldn't stop…and his yelling was the perfect distraction to the tears now sliding down his face. "But drinking and getting high are the only thing that makes me feel better; I just feel like I'm dead, like I'm dying…and all that and cutting makes me alive, makes me feel like at least I'm helping myself in some way…and I know I'm dying, that's the whole point! I want to die! I want to never have to feel again; to just be emotionless…I can't deal with this, Mura-buchou," he suddenly whispered, "I just can't deal with this."

The next thing Akaya knew, he was in Yukimura's arms, crying, for the first time, what he really needed to cry to: himself.

While Yukimura went down to call up the rest of team on his cell phone (he said that Akaya shouldn't hear it) Akaya closed his eyes. He knew he had to make a decision right then and there…and after a minute or two of thinking, he knew what he had to do.

_People come and go_

_So nothing is forever._

_But in my heart, memories stay_

_In my heart; we are together_

_And through the years_

_Through tragic tears_

_I've watched the world go by_

_And if I'm still _

_Standing here_

_Please don't ask me why._

_Because what can hugs and kisses fix?_

_And what heart can love heal?_

_All I know is this hopelessness_

_I've felt before I could feel._

_I've gone so far_

_But lost so much_

_The scars can never heal._

_But through it all_

_There is true love_

_Binding and surreal._

After neatly writing this on a post-it note, Akaya nodded to himself. Flicking away one last tear, he silently hoped that the choice he made was the right one.

All will be explained in time…but if you want an update, review! They are what keeps me writing! (And just to be doubly mean, if I do not reach a certain number of reviews, I shall not update) MUWAHAHAHAHA!

LoveableDuck (Who shall soon be known as KillableDuck XD)


	14. Belief

Author's Notes: Okay, it is now 9:24 AM. I got out of bed like 2 hours early to do this, so be grateful! XD Also, my camp started in 10 days…and I fell kind of bad about this, but I'm not so sure I can finish this…but I'll try. Really. I'm also going to try to make the chapters longer…for some reason; they look longer on the computer…and shorter on the internet…

As a side note, I do write all the poems. Amazing, ne? (Japanese word!) Also, I think I'm going to start clicking the reply button now to respond to reviews…but it feels kind of weird…

This chapter is for everyone who reviewed the last one. And for everyone who did not review (but you don't count if you're grounded or something lol) then you should review this chapter. And you should click the review button if you reviewed the last chapter too!

Warning: Okay, just so we're all clear, I'm (currently) agnostic. What that means (in case you don't know) is that I don't know whether there is a God or not. However, in this chapter, there is a discussion on God. Akaya (for all purposes of this fic) is going to argue over the existence of God. I think it's important for the plot (you can see just how much depression has shaken his belief in things) but if you don't want to read it…you don't have to (although I think you should.) XP

Disclaimer: If I owned the Prince of Tennis, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. And Sandileina's nicknames are borrowed from her imagination, and not mine. However, I own all poems. )

Chapter 14: Belief

Yukimura quickly decided that he and Akaya needed some alone time. He felt as though he had seen a part of Akaya he hadn't before, and one that only he had seen. Deciding that the only way to continue the "breakthrough" was to continue this one-on-one, he quickly called up the other regulars to tell them what had happened, and what he was going to do.

"Moshi moshi." Even over the phone, Renji's voice sounded so solemn.

"Ah…Renji, I'm afraid we're going to have to change the plans." Yukimura frowned slightly as he spoke; he thought he could hear noises coming from Akaya's room.

"Really? And why is that?" Yukimura thought Renji sounded overly careful, especially when he heard a muffled sound.

"Am I on speaker?"

"Yes…" Renji glared at Marui, who had been about to pop the bubble he was blowing, and had had to use to hand to cover the loud _crack_ it made.

"That's good; now you won't have to repeat this."

"And what would that be?"

"To make a long story short: Basically, Akaya had a mini-breakdown, and I got to see what he felt like. Really felt like, Renji; not what he's been saying so, I've decided to spend some time with him alone, because it has made so much progress."

"Are you sure that's the only reason why?" It was now Niou who spoke; the immediate hushes form the rest of regulars only hinted at the punishment that was to come.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"Ahh…Seiichi…" Yanagi was never good at dealing with this sort of thing.

"We all know you want him, Mura; I mean, it's so obvious." Yagyuu's attempt at shutting Niou up had proven worthless.

"And what does that have to do with this?" These innocent words were spoken almost sweetly, but everyone - especially Niou - could hear the malice in his tone. And that's when Yukimura heard the crash.

Akaya's mom and dad had been talking about getting separated for a while now. To be honest, they had first considered it about a year ago; that was the first time they had a fight so huge that neither of them had spoken to the other one for a week. Their son had had to act as the messenger in between them. As time went on, he got very, very good at it.

"Akaya! Are you okay?" Over the phone, the regulars could hear the worry in his voice.

"Seiichi, what just happened?" It seemed like Renji had gotten control over his phone again.

"I heard a crash…we're going to have to finish this conversation later." Ending the call, Yukimura ran off to find out the source of the crash, leaving the rest of the regulars to worry about what had happened.

Being the messenger was actually very simple. All he had to do was to relate the messages his parents gave to him for the other parent. A simple, no hassle thing, really; so long as he didn't take it personally. So long as he didn't feel the anger, the resentment…the _feelings _that were expressed in their faces and voices when they looked at him…no…they weren't look at him; it was more like _through _him, as if they could see the other parent through the very person there love had once symbolized.

"I'm okay!" Akaya swallowed and shifted nervously, hoping his sempai wouldn't see the guilt in his eyes.

"What was that?" Yukimura, much to Akaya's relief, stared around the room in confusion.

"Oh…it was nothing." And Akaya stood carefully in front of the huge bible he had just been throwing at the wall.

Another thing that always happened during this job as a messenger was that Akaya always found out how responsible he was for their fights. For example, after his mother and father has gotten into a fight over her being late to a business dinner, she had told him to say "besides, even if you're never there for our son, _I _am. I'm sorry you're dinners are more important to you than him". Or, like another time when his father and mother had gotten into a fight, his father had commented nastily to his mother, "Well, I'm just sorry that Akaya had a test in math tomorrow. Just because I'm helping him study does not mean I never spend time with you". Akaya quickly learned that it was his fault his parents were fighting…and no matter what he did to make it easier on both of them, their fights just continued…and got worse.

"Akaya…I heard a loud slam. I'm sure that it wasn't nothing." Yukimura moved closer to his kouhai, carefully inspecting the space around Akaya.

Deciding that there were times when no answer as better than one, Akaya shrugged. Unfortunately for him, Yukimura didn't see him shrug: he was too busy staring at the now ripped pages of the bible in front of him.

When he decided to study by himself to give his parents more time for each other, and to stop asking them for help, Akaya thought his parents' troubles would be over. Akaya thought they'd be happy, like his other friends' parents, and that they would love each other again he way they had before he was a needy teenager who only got in the way of their marriage. He started doing more chores, and started studying more as well; for hadn't his father once told his mother that Akaya's grades were lower because he never got to spend time with either of his parents? In all honesty, Akaya hadn't seen much logic in that, but Akaya supposed that, since he had come home in the middle of a fight (his parents were several feet apart, faces red; screaming) that there must be some truth in it. And he knew it had to be the part about him, because he was the one ruining their marriage.

"Akaya…this is a bible. A holy book."

"Yeah…I know." Akaya couldn't help but feel really bad as Yukimura stared at the book in the sad and yet loving way. And he also couldn't help but feel a little jealous…as far as he knew, Yukimura had never stared at _him _lovingly.

"A holy book." Yukimura whispered these words, hands running over the slightly tattered pages where Akaya had blindly picked up the book and thrown it at the wall. Several pages had fallen out, and they were lying almost proudly at the carpet. "Akaya this is God's book!"

"There is no God." Akaya couldn't help but roll his eyes at his buchou…what a silly idea! As if there was a being powerful enough to control everyone's lives, to define what was good and what was evil…and what some people lived and died for.

"Of course there is." Yukimura stated this fact as though it were fact, and Akaya couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"No…there is no God. That's just something people used to need, in order to explain how the world worked. You know, before they had science. And since they do now, no one needs little fairy tales to make themselves feel better about Life."

"Then why are you throwing the bible against the wall? That has to mean something…"

"It just means I'm done with that crap."

"Akaya, religion is not crap. It is a way of life-"

"Life! Ha! Religion has cause more deaths than the people who believe in it! The crusades, the wars going on now…all of them have something to do with religion!"

"No…the war in Afghanistan…"

"The Taliban were about ethnic cleansing! That was a war between different Muslims!"

"The Iraqi war going on now…"

"The reason why they are still warring is because they hate each other! They hate each other because while they are all Muslims, they are all different types…with different looks, and features…"

"But religion has done so much good, Akaya! It has given us art and music, and poetry-"

"But it's destroyed so much more, Mura-buchou."

"But the very idea of religion-"

"Is to give an explanation on Life. Nothing more than that…but it's when people take it too far that things happen. Good and bad."

"Just like you," Yukimura whispered softly, his dark eyes piercing Akaya's. "It's when you take things too far that the good and the bad start happening. And when other people get involved."

So, what'd you think? Longer than usual, right? REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW…OR ELSE THERE SHALL BE NO UPDATES!

LoveableDuck


	15. Shattered

Author's Notes: Well, I thought about replying to messages by clicking the reply button (which seemed fairly logical) but then I realized that it was more fun to post it on the story. XD Also, for those who were confused by the last chapter: it shall all be explained in this chapter. I hope. XP Now, to respond to my reviewers! (Who are awesomely amazing.)

To everyone who reviewed chapter 13 (especially the ones that lurk…and if someone wants to tell me what that means they're welcome to): I LOVE YOU GUYS! (And I'm pretty sure that covers it…)

To I'llDieLaughingAtYou: yeah, I have the feeling a lot of people didn't get this chapter…although you were the only one brave enough to admit it. Hopefully, the connection shall be drawn in this chapter…I'm trying out a new style of writing, so I'm going to run into some problems…thanks for telling me. )

To Shimizu Miki: hahaha! Yeah, I probably will end up an atheist (did I spell that right?) but I'm agnostic…kind of. XD I am going to try to finish before I go to camp, but I go in about a week, so I don't know if I'll have much time…but even if I don't, I may just mail my sister written out forms of my story, and have her upload it for me. What do you think?

To KiriharaAkaya: I feel your pain. I was grounded for three weeks! THREE WEEKS! Lol, you're a (Pasta)farian…sounds interesting. And yup, it's going to be Uke Pair (which I was told you named…that's so awesome). Unfortunately, I am not very skilled at romance…lol

To endlessly: Yay! I'm an inspiration! does a happy dance Writers block is horrible…oh, and why were you in the hospital? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just a nosy bitch…XD

To everyone else who reviewed who were not mentioned: Thanks for your support! Lol, I feel so bad leaving people out…and you guys are appreciated! XD

Disclaimer: Owning POT is illegal in America…maybe I should move to Amsterdam? And Sandileina's nicknames are hers, and (unfortunately for me) not mine. However, all poems are mine.

Chapter 15: Shattered

In Japan, there are many different kinds of religions. But whether a Buddhist, a rare Christian, or the almost-never-found Jew, religion is pretty important in Japan. Many people pray everyday, and many more believe in the existence of a higher being. And Kirihara Akaya wasn't an exception.

He could still remember when he prayed every night to "Kami-sama", thinking that his prayers would be answered; he could still remember the feeling of thinking that there was a Higher Power out there, someone who made all things happen, and those things included the good and the bad - and that everything happened for a reason.

A belief he didn't have the luxury in believing anymore.

When Yukimura looked back on that moment, he would've understood why he got so defensive over the idea of religion. It wasn't so much that he was religious (he believed in God, but he could never be classified as religious), or so much that Akaya was purposely harming something that many believed to be sacred and holy. But Yukimura wasn't trying to think things through, he was trying to get a point across. However, getting a point across was often hard when you didn't really know that point yourself.

"You didn't have to get involved! You chose to!" Akaya glared at Yukimura, refusing to let his attraction for the boy stand in his way of getting out of the mess he had just caused.

"I chose to get involved because I care about you. And, obviously your parents aren't doing a very good job at helping you, even though they know you're like this!" Yukimura was so busy trying to get his feelings across he didn't notice the flash of pain that crossed Akaya's face.

"What do you mean?" Akaya covered up his unhappiness with anger.

Yukimura sighed, and started to pace around Akaya's room. "I don't know what I meant…"

"Then don't say anything stupid." Akaya glared at his sempai.

"Akaya…" Yukimura closed his eyes and sighed. "Look., I don't think we're going to get any progress done right now until we both calm down."

"What do you mean, 'progress'?"

"Akaya, you need to get help. It's very simple…" It was then Yukimura realized just how far Akaya was backing away from him.

"No. NO." Akaya glared furiously at Yukimura. "I do _not _need help; I am perfectly fine."

"Akaya, you're cutting, drinking, and doing drugs. You are NOT perfectly fine."

"Yes I am…just because you disagree with it doesn't mean it's bad…"

"Akaya, I'm disagreeing with you killing yourself! And that isn't an opinion, it's something bad…AKAYA!"

Yukimura whirled around, taking off after his kouhai as Akaya shot out of his room. _Nothing is going as I wanted it too, _Yukimura thought silently. _How can I make him understand…?_

It was a really beautiful day. A perfect day to spend in the park actually; the grass was green, the sky was a gorgeous shade of blue, the clouds were large and white, and the kids that were running along laughing and playing just fit into it perfectly.

Jackal sighed, staring at the tree that he was lying under. It really was a perfect day, and the only things that did not fit were the feelings that had been felt during the day.

"Wow…think Mura can handle him?" Turning to his doubles partner, Jackal answered, "I don't know…but I sure hope so…"

"I still don't get why x has to equal three…" Jackal and Marui turned to Niou, who had decided to entertain himself by harassing Yanagi.

"Niou, we have gone through this before…five times to be exact." Yanagi silently wondered how Yagyuu managed to deal with this all the time.

"Well, I think x should be 8." Niou had always loved it when he got the what-the-fuck? Look from Yanagi, mostly because it showed facial expression, and this time was no exception.

"Haru, I think that you have bothered Yanagi enough for today. Could you please give him a break?" At this point in his life, Yagyuu knew the amount of Niou everyone could stand, and once it got to the full capacity, he tried to get the Trickster to stop. And even succeeded sometimes.

Unfortunately for their conversation, Sanada decided to step in. "I don't think x can be anything but three, Haru," Sanada commented as soon as Niou opened his mouth.

Blue eyes locked into dark brown ones, and Niou commented snidely, "How about we make a bet? If I can come up with a number besides three that works, then you have to announce to the whole school, during a tennis match, that you are in love with -"

Before the conversation could make Niou's smirk any wider, and force Sanada to show facial expression, Yanagi's cell phone beeped. Someone had just texted him.

Following Akaya, Yukimura took off after him. Not even bothering to shut the door, the two were off…with Yukimura having no idea as to _why _Akaya was running away from him. _After all, wasn't their conversation just going in circles?,_ he asked himself silently.

Still following Akaya, Yukimura turned right down a corner. There was a screech and a yell, but Yukimura followed Akaya across the street anyway. Still running, they went down another block, when both of them heard a crash. It was then that Yukimura realized just how fragile life was, and how easily it can be shattered. With Akaya standing next to him in shock, Yukimura pulled out his cell phone and sent a very important text message.

My chapters are getting longer. D Although, I still don't have enough reviews…okay, I leave for camp in about a week! If there are enough reviews, I will take time out of my busy life (I'm actually supposed to be hanging out with someone now…) and give you another chapter. Is that a good deal? I mean, I love you guys, but I don't want to write another chapter just yet if no one wants one…

LoveableDuck


	16. My Truths are Your Lies

Author's Notes: Yes, that's right! I'm back from camp, and here is the next chapter! (Although it's a little on the short side. I keep trying to make them longer, but…it never seems to work out that way.) I'm not going to respond to reviews in this chapter, but whatever reviews you write to me will be responded to in the next one. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned PoT, then why would I have gone two months without it? And the Rikkai nicknames are borrowed from Sandileina's imagination, and are therefore, unfortunately, not mine. However, the poems are.

Chapter 16: My Truths are Your Lies

Pushing a piece of hair out of her face, Akaya's mother turned her gaze to face that of her husband. "I just wanted to make it clear that-"

"I know! I know!" Rolling his eyes, her husband glared at her. "I understand. For the millionth time."

"No! You don't understand, and that's why we're here. That's why-"

"Ah, good, you're both here. Please come this way." Interrupting the argument in a way that was now second nature to him, the young man turned around and continued on his way with the parents of Akaya behind him. He didn't have to look behind him to make sure they were there.

Several minutes later, the couple, sitting in a long, blue couch, faced an old, graying man by the name of Nagasidi. It was him that they had called in to save their steadily decaying marriage. And so far, he had not been living up to his reputation.

"Now, how is the new compromise we worked out in last week's session coming along?"

"Horrible," snapped the furious woman. "Not only does he still refuse to come home on time-"

"Well, maybe," sneered the man sitting next to her, "if you had a full-time job, you would have some problems getting home on time. I'm not paid to lie around the house all-"

"You think housework isn't a full-time job? You try cooking, cleaning-"

"That would be a piece of cake compared to what I do-"

"A piece of cake! You can't even bake a piece of-"

"Now, now," interrupted Dr.Nagasidi. "We didn't come here to argue. We came to work things out, and that can only be done in a calm and reasonable tone. So, both of you, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten before saying anything else."

While smiling serenely at the red-faced, furious couple, the marriage counselor leaned over and took out the large, green binder that served to hold all of his "patients" information.

"Now, let's continue where we left off last week." Nagasidi quickly found the page marked Kirihara, and discovered that they had left off at naming their own faults. "We were naming the things about ourselves that we wish to improve. Who wants to go first?" Enjoying the way he had re-phrased the activity, Nagasidi beamed at the Kiriharas across from him.

"Things about me that I wish to improve?" sputtered the husband. "What could-"

"How about that even though we had this argument last week, you're about to have it again!" snapped his wife.

"I'm trying to-"

"Yes I know! You're trying to prove a point! Well, the points been made, and sadly enough, it's not very sharp!"

"Now, now, settle down." Nagasidi interrupted their argument with his usual calm and ease.

"Settle down!' The male half of the Kirirhara's marriage had a face that was similar to the color of the red pitcher he had thrown at his wife the day before.

"Yes. Settle down." Nagasidi carefully marked something down in his notebook. "If you don't like this exercise, then, we'll move on to a new one…how about discussing the problems in your marriage? I don't believe we've done that one yet."

"Problems in our marriage! There are none! It's all-"

"Clearly there are some if you came here." Nagasidi's pen hovered over the page, ready to mark down any new development.

"We do have problems! You just refuse to see them!" much to his surprise, Nagasidi saw tears glistening in the wife's eyes.

"No! I keep telling you it's all imagined, in your head, you're-"

"NO IT'S NOT!"

Nagasidi cocked his head, pleased to see that maybe, after several months of counseling, these sessions might be getting somewhere. "What is 'it'?"

With tears flowing freely from sparkling green eyes, the words came out in a whisper. "My husband's affair."

Of course, she had been suspecting it for a while, but she still couldn't believe she had discovered the truth in a torn out piece of paper lying in her son's room. While she had been cleaning her son's room (was it just her, or the more often she told her son to clean, the messier he became?), she had found the fateful paper lying on the floor. In the front of it was a note, scrawled in what was clearly her husband's hand writing, and on the back, words that could only have been her son's. Now, she could see the entire note in her head…the word for word description of the adultery she now knew her son must have witnessed. But what stung even more was the poem Akaya had carefully written on the back.

"I told you, for the millionth time, I am NOT having an affair!" his already red face became even redder.

"And I told you-" her voice cracking, his wife put her head in her hands and cried. Even as the tears fell, drenching her palms and filling her nose with the smell of salt water, the words of her son's poem filled her ears, the steady rhythm beating its way into her brain.

_Silently, the tears start to fall_

_Tears you thought wouldn't have come at all_

Nagasidi was watching the scene in front of him with mild concern. "Are you having an affair?" he asked referring to the male half the crumbling marriage in from of him.

_Streaking silently down your face_

_Stabbing a more protected place_

"No! No I'm not!" the husband was trying to defend himself, but Nagasidi could see the guilt in his eyes. The guilt that the man's wife had seen as well.

_You no longer know truth from lies_

_The differences between the screams and the sighs_

_The twists as the world turns upside down_

_Or the changes as it spins round and round_

Wordlessly marking the latest event in his notebook, the marriage counselor turned to look at the sobbing woman in front of him. _"I wonder, _mused Nagasidi silently to himself_, what lies she must have said to make this hurt her so much?"_

Even with her tears clouding her eyes and soaking her hands, the words of her son -and the truth in them- drummed their way steadily into her brain.

_So cry with the pain held deep inside_

_Cry as though you must_

_Because the lies and truths have switched sides_

_And which one can you trust?_

If you want to know what happens next, review!

LoveableDuck

Ps: does anyone know the names of Akaya's parents? I think I do but I just want to make sure. If you know please leave it in a review. Thanks!


	17. Wrong

Author's Notes: Sorry for the late update…I've been suffering from writer's block, and also lack of time. XD Anyway, I'm going to try to finish this up, but I don't know how long it will take…also, I've decided that from now I am going to click on the respond button on reviews. That's so it will take up less space in the chapter, and so it's just easier.

And for everyone who read/reviewed the last chapter, thank you!

Disclaimer: This isn't going to help me out in anyway…money-wise, or sanity-wise. And Sandeleina's names belong to her, and not me.

Chapter 17: Wrong

When Kirisama Agenko walked into her apartment, the first thing she noticed was the beeping on her answering machine. Looking at it in surprise, the young woman walked over to the machine and clicked on her messages, admiring her newly painted pink nails while doing so. However, when the words of the message filled her head, the same hand was found, covering her face and wiping away the tears that were just beginning to fall.

As Akaya stared at the wreck in front of him, the look of horror on his face described more than any words that he could've said. Next to him, Yukimura, resolving to speak to him about the contents of the text message at the soonest opportunity, placed an arm around his kouhai's shoulder and carefully led Akaya away. It was better to look at from a distance the incident that they had just seen.

Agenko closed her eyes, willing the tears not to fall, but they slipped between her closed lashes with practiced ease, falling onto her tear stained cheeks. The words burned themselves into her head, a mixture of right and wrong, and something that was in between, that cut her deeper than any knife ever could….and cut straight into her heart.

Yukimura stared at the cars in front of him, unwilling to believe his eyes. Three cars had smashed into each other, leaving windows smashed and glass shards everywhere. The building that the cars had crashed into seemed fine, but Yukimura guessed that behind where the cars now stood was a gaping hole. _"It's just like life, _Yukimura mused silently to himself, _once something huge explodes in your life, and it leaves holes that have to be patched up. Or else, you fall apart, and it takes a lot more work to get yourself back together."_

"What exactly happened?" a woman's voice asked, and Yukimura, coming out of his thought was a jolt, turned around to see a reporter questioning a nearby man.

Swallowing, the man, "I was walking down the street. I saw the whole thing with my own two eyes."

"Yes?" the reporter nodded, urging the man on.

"That car was swerving all down the road - the guy looked like he was driving drunk," said the man, motioning towards the car that was at the end of the three. "I saw him crash right into the other car, the one that's in the middle of the accident. Then, those two were both out of control and going crazy, and they both smashed into the one that's against the building now. Went right into it sideways." Shaking his head, the man commented, "horrible. Just…horrible."

"Horrible?" whispered Akaya. "That wasn't horrible…horrible couldn't have described that…"

Yukimura closed his eyes and pulled Akaya tighter. While the man who had been talking to the reporter appeared to be in shock, he couldn't have described the car crash any less accurately. While he and Akaya hadn't seen the entire thing from start to finish, they had seen the impact, an image that felt like it had been burned into his skull. The sound of the metal and glass sliding into each other, the sound of the hundreds of pounds of metal and glass twisting and shoving into each other, the sound of the brick wall giving under the weight of the cars, it _burned_, it drilled itself into his brain, thumping along with the beat of his heart.

The worst part of it was, that at only three feet away from the crash, both of them should've gotten hurt.

When Agenko finally pulled herself together, the first thing she did was delete the message. The machine had been asking her constantly for an hour now if she wanted to save it, delete it, or listen to it again. _"As if I could forget that message…and it is playing over and over again in my head."_

Exhaling slowly, Agenko tried to calm herself down. But the sound of those words, and the calmness with which he had spoken, were still playing around in her head.

_"Agenko, it's me. My wife knows. But don't worry…it will all be okay."_

The guilt Agenko had been harboring swept through her body once more. Agenko had had him promise…he had promised his wife wouldn't find out…because if she did, Agenko's entire career as Rikkai's principal would be ruined.

_"But don't worry…it will all be okay."_

Agenko bowed her head, and the tears spilled over again. But instead of wiping them away, she let herself fall, sobbing uncontrollably onto the floor. Because it was not okay. It was the opposite of okay. It was wrong.

So what do you think? I know I don't really deserve it, but…reviews please? I want to try to have the next chapter up before next week, but reviews would make me write faster…

LoveableDuck


	18. The Thread is Thin

Author's Notes: Okay, I'm sorry for the late updates, but that's not a reason to not review! I know I don't deserve it, but if you simply clicked the button at the bottom of this page, I'd be ever so happy. xD

Disclaimer: If I could make any money off this, it wouldn't be posted on a fan fiction site. And Sandileina's nicknames are a figment of her imagination, and I'm only borrowing them.

Chapter 18: The Thread is Thin

Walking away from the scene of the accident, Akaya could feel the thudding as his heart beat through his body. With each step his beat, spreading blood through his body; it was the very thing that kept his body working. But there were ways to mess up that beat, to make it stop. And really, that was all he wanted: to make it stop.

"Akaya…" jerking out of his thoughts, Akaya turned around to face his buchou, who was gazing at him with incredible worry in his gorgeous blue eyes. Akaya blinked, startled by his thoughts. _"Since when did I think Yukimura's eyes were gorgeous…?_

"Look…Akaya…," closing his eyes, Yukimura had to take a deep breath before continuing," I really want you to know…I care about you. Our entire team does. And I think…we think…you need help. Badly."

"No I don't." Akaya spoke stubbornly, and half twisted away from Yukimura as he spoke; Yukimura felt a sudden jerk of his heart. A sudden feeling that it wasn't going to be okay. That something bad was going to happen. And that it was going to happen soon.

It was rare for Niou to feel so stressed out, but after reading Yukimura's text message, who wasn't. It seriously disturbed him; the baby of the team wasn't supposed to have trouble, and if he did, the team was supposed to be there to protect him. Or, in better words for this problem, prevent him.

"Yukimura…the end of the text message said he was going to try to bring Akaya here. So they should be here soon." Niou couldn't help but roll his eyes ay Sanada, who always seemed to restate the already known.

"Jackal, do you think Akaya is going to be okay?" Marui turned around and gave his doubled partner the Yes-I'm-Serious look, so Jackal knew to answer the question as perfectly as he could.

"Akaya…I think he'll be fine. I mean, I'm sure when he gets help, he'll be fine."

"But what if it's too late?" Everyone turned around to look at Niou, who had decided to voice his fears out loud. "What if he doesn't get help in time?"

The only thing that answered Niou was silence. Silence and the visual looks of horror and sadness on all of his team mates' faces.

Walking down the street, Yukimura eyed his kouhai. This was the closest Yukimura had ever been to Akaya physically, and Yukimura enjoyed it, in spite of the circumstances. _"If only if it was under more desirable conditions…"_

"Where are we going?" Akaya's voice interrupted Yukimura's wishes, and smiling almost too sweetly at his kouhai, Yukimura answered calmly," The nearest hospital."

"Hospital?" Akaya's green eyes widened. "Why?"

"You need help and there's no other way for you to get it. You need a trained professional- AKAYA!" Staring in shock at the back of Akaya, who was now racing into the street, Yukimura felt the rush- a combination of his feelings for Akaya, which was a mixture of shock, worry, and love - and threw himself violently after his kouhai.

Kirisama Agenko inhaled sharply, warily eyeing the door. It was the house of her lover, and the house of her problems. It was a short five minute week to his house, but so far, Agenko hadn't had the strength to ring the doorbell or knock on the door. She had no idea how to confront her lover and his wife, but there was no doubt in her mind that she must do so. And soon.

_"Oh, how did I get myself into this?" Agenko thought silently and desperately. "I didn't even know he was married until his kid walked in. and then he told me. And I love him…I love him so much. but she must too…especially if she lives thinking- no; knowing her husband is cheating on her. And I'm the one that's too blame- me and my heart. Me, for being stupid enough to have sex with him, and my heart, for falling in love with him."_

Letting her breath out slowly, Agenko slowly approached the door, which now stood as a visual barrier of her problems. And, with a fist that was as unsteady and trembling as her heart, knocked on the door.

Shoving his way into and though people, Akaya could hear his footsteps thud along with a rhythm that matched his heart perfectly. Akaya could see it now, the place was getting closer; he could make out more and more of it with each pounding step he took. Soon, it would be all over; soon he would be free from the pain that ripped him apart every day. No matter what it took, or how much it would take, he would be _free. _

"AKAYA!" Yukimura's voice ripped through Akaya, catching the ace of Rikkai off guard. Akaya stumbled for a few moments, but that was too long; for Yukimura had caught up with him.

"Akaya-" Shoving that hand that had briefly touched him away, Akaya threw himself again through the people on the street. But now, the steady thuds of Yukimura followed him, the rhythm of Yukimura's footsteps blending n perfectly with his own.

"Akaya! Stop!" Yukimura reached out to grab his crush again, only to have Akaya pick up speed and move forward, faster than before. _"Damn Gen for having Akaya run so many laps…"_

"Go away! Just let me go!" Akaya twisted himself backward to yell this at his buchou, and he almost tripped, but managed to catch himself. And to shove off Yukimura's hand again.

"Akaya!" Ignoring Yukimura, Akaya continued running. The place in sight was even closer than it had been before; another minute and it would be over.

_Thump, thump, thump. _Akaya grit his teeth and tried to move faster; Yukimura seemed to be gaining. _"Why doesn't he just give up?" _Akaya asked himself. _"After all, he's running after me, and I've given up. What makes him think that because he won't, I won't too?" _

"Akaya!" Now the hand was on him, and it wouldn't go away. Akaya tried running faster, and that worked for a second or two; but then Yukimura's hand was back, this time clinging onto his shirt. Akaya closed his eyes and tried running even faster, but that didn't work either. But that didn't matter, because now he was here.

Yukimura was throwing himself at Akaya with everything he had, and everything he wanted. Yukimura smiled triumphantly; he had Akaya's shirt in his hand, and Akaya couldn't seem to run away. But then, in a motion so fluid that Yukimura wondered for an instant if it really had happened, Akaya tore himself away and ran towards the bridge that rose up over the canal.

"AKAYA!" Akaya's intentions had never seemed so clear to Yukimura, and moving faster than he had ever known that he could, Yukimura shot after him. Grabbing onto Akaya's hand as he stood on the bridge, Akaya turned around and in almost a surreal moment, smiled at him. And then Akaya jumped.

_Well, it seems that the only promise I can keep are the ones that I make to myself." _Akaya thought as he went over and hear Yukimura's piercing scream, and feeling gravity rip his hand away from Yukimura's. He could feel that same force pulling him closer down to the water, and he smiled even as a tear dripped down his face.

_The only thing I regret is you, Mura-buchou."_

Okay, the deal is simple: you must review in order to get an update! Okay, now I'm just being mean…but seriously, I need reviews; I feel so unloved when I don't get any, and you can tell by my pen name that I'm really the opposite of that.

LoveableDuck


	19. Confessions

Author's Notes: This chapter is dedicated to everyone who reviewed…Thank You!

Oh, and as an additional note: I didn't realize until now that the lines I was putting in each time I changed scenes weren't showing up on to megu-chan for pointing that out! I'm going to use zeroes now…please tell me if it works…

Chapter 19: Confessions

Kirisama Agenko stared into the face of her lover's wife. With glossy black curls, deep green eyes, and a shocked expression, she looked much like her son when he had been called into his office for one of his infamous pranks.

"Who are…?" Even as the words died on the woman's lips, Agenko could see that she knew. Oh, she _knew_.

"May I…please come in?" Agenko's voice sounded shaky and surreal even to herself.

"Yes…a-are you…?" Voice fading out again, the rightful woman of Kirihara allowed the principal into her house…which she had been there, many times.

"I think…I think I am." Swallowing nervously, Agenko took a seat on an all-too familiar couch…which was one of the scenes of Akaya walking into his father's illustrious affair with her, if she remembered correctly.

Silently, the two women stared at one another, summing each other up. Agenko say beauty and shock, and all that her rival could see was the face of a gorgeous woman, who looked intelligent as well.

"Where is…?" Afraid to speak her lover's name, Agenko let the words fade out.

"He's not here. He has…individual counseling right now. For…our marriage." The way Akaya's mother figured, this young woman may as well know how much she had messed up her marriage.

Agenko's eyes widened, and then they filled with tears. Inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly, Agenko steeled herself for what she knew she had to do.

000

Yukimura clenched his teeth, tears streaming down his cheeks. His cell phone was out in front of him, his fingers already pushing the buttons: 911, the emergency code for everyone in Japan(1). His fingers were shaking so much he wasn't even sure if he pushed the right numbers, but somehow, the phone was ringing, and someone had picked up.

"What's wrong?" a woman on the line asked. Yukimura stared into the water; the cell phone pressed up hard against his ear. Yukimura opened his mouth, but no words could come out; saying them might make them true.

"Hello? Hello?" Now the woman was getting upset. "I'm sorry, but this is an emergency line. Unless you have an emergency to report, I must hang up."

"He jumped." The words finally managed to push their way of Yukimura's throat.

"What?" The woman on the line asked. "Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No…he…a person jumped off the bridge that goes over Cambridge Canal." Yukimura tasted salt, and he knew the tears had spilled over again. "It was about five minutes ago…oh, please, send someone to help him!" And then he was crying again, tears pouring down his face, even as the woman on the other line told him they were sending people over right away. The tears just poured down and down, making little splashes into the canal, where Akaya had tried to end his life.

0000

"I want to…I want to tell you…what happened…between…you and your…husband." Agenko had a lot of trouble getting that last word out.

"Please," whispered the woman across from Agenko, her green eyes becoming shiny with tears, "please…tell me, but…as little as possible."

Agenko looked at the woman across from her almost blankly for a moment, before processing what was really meant. _"She doesn't really want to know what we did…just why we did it, and how it came to be…and she deserves that, from what I've done to her…"_

With another deep breath, Agenko opened her mouth and let the words spill out, trying not to think as she let the story run its course.

000

Not even the blaring sounds of the sirens as the ambulance pulled up could wake Yukimura from his sleep of horror. The regulars had tried his cell a few times, but Yukimura hadn't had the strength to answer their calls and tell them what had happened. Now, watching the people search in the water for Akaya sickened him, but although he turned away, he could still hear the splashing of the canal, far below him.

"You're the one who called?" Yukimura found himself looking at a young, pretty paramedic, waiting to be called into action.

"Yes." His voice came out in a whisper, and speaking made him feel like he was about to be sick.

"You look like you could use some help too." Although her tone was slightly joking, Yukimura could see the kindness in her eyes. "Once they find your friend-"

"ALL HANDS NEEDED! BODY FOUND!" Yukimura stared at the woman in shock, who said, with a smile and a wink," I've got something like a sixth sense. Now go on, get into the ambulance too…you could probably do with a stay in the hospital, also." With that, the paramedic pushed Yukimura into the ambulance, and then turned around to help his water-logged friend.

000

"I met your husband on the day when he came in because of Akaya's prank…the one that had to do with his English teacher. We started talking about disciplinary measures, and somehow, it got to him and me going out for dinner that same night. I did not know that he was married.

"That same night, after dinner, he gave me his number, and I gave him mine. If I had known that he was married," here Agenko paused to shake her head and try to blink back some of her tears," I would never have done what I did next. Which was call him.

"We went out for dinner again after a couple of days or so, and soon we began seeing each other every two or three days- for dinner usually, but we started to meet up for lunch a couple of times. I didn't know…I honestly…if I had…if I had even guessed…"

Kirihara's wife did not even notice the break in the guilty woman's story, as she had been busy putting two and two together. _"So that's why he was 'out working late'…and wouldn't show up for dinner…"_

"After a month or so, our relationship…deepened." Agenko did not want to put words to the things she and her lover had started doing.

"In other words, you and my husband were having sex." Agenko's words were translated by the wronged woman across from her.

"Ah…yes." Several tears made their way down Agenko's cheeks.

"Please continue."

"After our relationship became…sexual, I started to…fall in love. It was about a month or so after we started…doing it…that his cell phone rang. When he picked it up, I heard him say, 'yes, love.' And that was how I found out that he was married." Agenko had to pause again, because her voice was starting to crack from the strain her tears put on it.

"After I…found out…I just…I don't know…continued it. I love him! I honestly do…but I never meant…I never wanted…"

"Please. Just tell me the story." The green eyes of the woman across from her were closed, but Agenko could still see the tears spill out from under the closed eye lashes.

"Yes…sorry…it was about a week or so after that that Akaya-kun…walked in on it. That's when-" Breaking off from her story, Agenko and her lover's wife started as the phone started to ring.

911 is the emergency call number in the US. You call it for the police or firemen…I'm not sure what the number is in Japan, but let's pretend, okay?

So, what did you think? To tell me (and to get a faster update) just click on the button below. You know you want to tell me your thoughts on this lovely piece of words I call a story…

LoveableDuck


	20. Knots

Author's Notes: Oh, wow…I can't believe it's finally here: THE BIG NUMBER 20!

Disclaimer: Trust me, I don't own PoT. It smells so bad…why would I want it? And Sandileina's nicknames are hers…and therefore not mine. xD

Chapter 20: Knots

Yukimura closed his eyes, feeling the pressure beneath his closed eye lids. The tears had finally stopped flowing, mostly because of the arrival of Akaya's mother, and his father's lover. Which was the brief explanation his principal had given him moments before.

"So…let me get this straight." Yukimura finally revealed his deep, piercing eyes. "You…and Akaya's dad…are having an affair?" He stared at his principal in shock.

"No. had." Kirisama Agenko shook her head, hoping the tears glistening in her eyes wouldn't fall in the smooth motion. "I hurt too many people…Akaya-kun, his mom…and myself." The acclaimed principal of Rikkai sighed, lower lip trembling from the sheer force of her will to not cry anymore.

"How is he?" Yukimura turned his attention from the shaking woman to look at the new arrival; Akaya's mom, back from her visit to the doctor: the same one who had talked with her before.

"He's…alive. They think he'll be fine." Akaya's mother looked visibly relieved at her son's apparent recovery. "They had to pump his lungs clear of water, but aside from that, he's fine…and it's all thanks to you." While Yukimura thought the smile looked almost comical on her tear streaked face, he smiled back as convincingly as he could. And it seemed to work because she then said, "You can go in to see him now."

So, with a nod and a slightly bigger smile, Yukimura walked down the hall, to the room of his favorite kouhai.

000

Akaya closed his eyes, not wanting to see…because, was they said, seeing was believing, and he didn't wan to believe that he was still there…alive.

"You asleep?" Akaya's eyes flew open at the sound of Yukimura's voice, and he found himself gazing into the kind, understanding eyes of his buchou. "Guess not," Yukimura said, answering his own question.

Akaya watched Yukimura carefully; he hadn't been able to watch his mother cry as much as she had, and he wanted to see how long it took his 'Mura-buchou to break down. It gave him almost a sadistic pleasure, to see the feelings he had bottled up played out right in front of him.

"So…what is your mom going to do about your attempt on your life?" Akaya blinked in surprise; Yukimura's eyes looked incredibly strong, a stark contrast to his mom before.

"I'm going to go to therapy once a week…and they'll be monitoring me with screening tests to make sure I don't drink or get high." Akaya could remember all too clearly the tears in his mom's eyes when the doctor (in front of him, of course) recommended that course of action. The doctor had even given them the name of a well-known and successful psychiatrist, and his mother had called the psychiatrist up and gotten him a two month's of appointments on the spot.

"Do you think it will help?" Yukimura swallowed, although the tears were dangerously close at seeing someone in as much of a wreck as Akaya was in, he did not want to let it show.

"No." Akaya answered flatly, without hesitation. "Nothing works…"

"Something has to." Yukimura could barely keep the desperation out of his voice; the very idea that Akaya might not be with him anymore…_hurt. _"And remember…I'll be here for you. Me and the rest of the team."

Akaya squirmed slightly, gazing down at the blankets instead of the man in his room. "Yeah…I know…but, like-" Akaya broke off here, turning a reddish color that  
Yukimura thought complimented his green eyes quite well.

"What?"

"It's nothing. Really." Now Akaya was even redder than before, and Yukimura could hear him muttering, "Stupid drugs…the nurses told me I wouldn't be able to think clearly, but…"

"What?" Now Yukimura was really interested, and he heard Akaya go, "Might as well do it now…while I have the guts to…"

Yukimura's heart pounded through his chest, restricting his breathing, and making the words that Akaya next uttered almost inaudible.

000

"You're divorcing him?" Agenko couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice she stared at the woman in front of her in shock.

"Yes." Akaya's mother had never been so sure of herself. "He cheated on me, (Agenko cringed at that,) lied to me, made my son lie to me, and after he finds out that Akaya tried to kill himself, is still with that…that whore!"

Agenko couldn't help but agree to her ex-lover's wife. After the call from the hospital, Agenko and Akaya's mom had driven to his work place, to pick him up and confront him. as soon as they walked into his office, there was the stupid man himself: on his desk, having sex with a girl who looked no older than 19. While his wife had taken one look at him and then stormed out, Agenko had had a few…choice words for him.

"I still can't believe you said that to him…" Now the woman across from Agenko shook her head and let out a soft, musical laugh.

Agenko sniffed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Well, what should I have said? He is an asshole, a dick, a douche bag…and everything else I said to him was just as true!"

The Asshole's wife laughed again, letting a soft smile grace her tear-stained features. "Yes, I have to agree with you on that. And what he did to Akaya…"

"I'm so sorry about that. No, not just that, everything." The usually articulate principal was bumbling around words, in complete opposition to the almost beautiful way she had been able to insult Akaya's father. "He said that Akaya understood…I had no idea that he was threatening his own son…"

"It's not your fault…" With a sigh, Akaya's mother brushed a black curl off her face. "You didn't know at first…and I know what it feels like to be loved by him…" The poor woman sighed again.

Agenko had never been impulsive, but what she did next was very much so: waling over, she gave her old rival a hug. "Don't worry…the school will support Akaya anyway it can," she said, saying exactly what she knew the woman wanted to hear.

"Hopefully, the therapist will be able to do that." Akaya's mother smiled at Agenko after she let go. "And, this reminds me…would you be okay, in court, to get our divorce…to talk about your affair with my husband?"

Agenko responded without hesitation. "Of course."

000

Yukimura stared at Akaya, almost unable to believe the words that his kouhai had just mumbled, with eyes full of shining hope. "Akaya, I li-"

"Oh my god! What the hell is going on?" A furious Niou busted into the previously quiet hospital room, followed by a curious and worried Yanagi, with the rest of the team outside.

"What are you guys doing here?" Yukimura had always been good in unexpected situations.

"We heard an ambulance driving this way, and Sanada's Mura sense started tingling." Behind Niou, Sanada looked less than amused. "And then, when we saw the brattling's mom driving this way…with the principal…we were like, let's go!" Niou looked rather pleased with himself.

"No, _you_ said let's go!" Marui glared at the back of Niou accusingly.

"Well, I was right, wasn't I?" Niou smirked proudly.

"Let's step outside for a minute…we'll be right back!" he added as an afterthought to the confused looking Akaya in bed.

Stepping outside the hospital room, Yukimura looked at his team mates and smiled sweetly. "So, do you guys want to hear what happened?" The team nodded enthusiastically.

"And then explain the text message." Jackal really wanted to know.

Yukimura looked at Jackal, opened his mouth, and let the story pour from his lips in all its dramatic glory. When he finished, the Rikkai regulars stared at him with open mouths, adding a couple minutes to the half hour Yukimura had already used up in telling the story.

"So our principal," Marui began as slowly as possible, in order to make sure he was understood, "was having an affair...with Akaya's…dad?"

Yukimura nodded slowly, wondering silently how Marui could really consider himself a genius. He was not alone.

"And he threatened Akaya with leaving his mom?" _Marui really needs to get his hearing checked, _Yukimura thought silently to himself, and nodded again.

"Now that that's done…care to explain this message?" Even Sanada's face betrayed a little bit of the confusion he must have felt.

"Oh, right…it's not really self-explainable." Yukimura turned around and led the way back into the room, noticing that Akaya was asleep. _Good, it will be easier than way, _he thought silently to himself.

"Akaya's back?" Yanagi questioned him, holding the cell phone out. In response, Yukimura carefully flipped Akaya over, revealing the long, deep scars engraved into his skin. It clearly registered on the faces of Rikkai's regulars: Akaya's skill with a ball and racket apparently extended to knives as well.

"He cuts himself…?" Yagyuu's tone betrayed how he felt; the usual politeness held a note of confusion and worry.

"Yes…I didn't mean to make it so short and confusing…but it made perfect sense at the time," said Yukimura, laughing a laugh that was slightly shakier than his heart had been when he ha first glimpsed the deep scabs etched into Akaya's skin. It was worse than he had thought…

"So…what now?" Sanada gazed at Akaya's sleeping form…he looked so peaceful in sleep.

"Now we just have to stand by him…and hope the therapist helps." Yukimura sighed with resignation to the little they could do.

"And keep him under 24-hour surveillance." Niou seemed cheered by his idea. "And we could raid his house for pills…"

"And take away all the scissors and knives!" Marui's eyes lit up. "And, and follow him everywhere! And make sure he doesn't drink anymore!"

"And what about you and him?" Yanagi asked the question so quietly, only he and Yukimura could hear it.

"I think…we'll be…just that." And as Yanagi wrote something down in one of his infamous notebooks, turned around and looked at his sleeping kouhai with a smile that as filled with love as his heart was.

_"As soon as you wake up, I'll answer your question…"_

000

Awww…it's almost done. The only thing left is the epilogue…the rest will all be explained there. xD So, tell me what you think! Especially because I'm not posting the epilogue until people review (and I write it…)! xD

LoveableDuck


	21. Threaded

Author's Note: To be completely honest. I'm not so sure if I liked how I ended this…I mean, I do, but at the same time, I don't…xD

As another note, I realized that an epilogue came after the entire story (wow I feel stupid!) and so this is not the epilogue. It is the final chapter. -cries-

Disclaimer: For god's sake, just look at the other chapters! DO YOU REALLY THINK I OWN IT? And the same goes for Sandileina's nicknames. I'm not that creative. xD

Threaded

_Life hangs by a thinning thread_

_Dangling above a world of dread_

_Swaying forward while moving back_

_Gleams deep white, and looks black:_

_How much longer can it stretch?_

_How much longer can it last?_

_When every second seems so long_

_But really goes too fast?_

_Thinning, thinning, winding down_

_Becoming much too short_

_What can save this piece of thread_

_From the scissor's retort?_

_Bind it hard, bind it fast_

_Twist and knot it so it'll last_

_Rub and coat it with a shield of love_

_So it'll hang over death, far above_

Akaya stopped scribbling on the sheet of paper in front of him long enough to allow himself a slight smile. His new therapist, Hagiina-san, had said it was "a good outlet of expression". And Akaya was starting to realize that, after only two weeks of therapy sessions, he was feeling better. Not that he'd let it on to the team, of course; they were becoming even more over-protective than usual. Especially Mura-buchou. And an over-protective boyfriend? Who wouldn't even let him watch R rated movies because there were naked guys in it? Seriously. It was completely-

"Akaya-kun?" Akaya looked up in time to see tall man wearing a suit in front of him. His mother's lawyer. "The Judge wishes to speak to you about custody." Noticing Akaya's blank look, the lawyer added, "Who you live with, spend your time with on the holidays…etcetera."

Akaya nodded, standing up and tugging the green tie that hung around his neck, before following the way the lawyer had pointed out to him. Akaya closed his eyes and let his breath out slowly. He was in recovery, and Hagiina-san said he would probably start going through withdrawal soon. His mother and father were breaking up. His team was driving him crazy.

Waling over to the Judge, Akaya couldn't help but smile. Because despite everything he knew he was going to go through, he knew it would be okay. He had Mura's - no, Seiichi's - love, and that was enough to keep him alive.

Until death came for him, and not the other way around.

000

So…what do you think? Do you want to kill me for writing such a sh!tty fic, or congratulate me for actually finishing it? It's up to you, after all…just please, please, I'm begging you: REVIEW!

LoveableDuck


End file.
